Will you be my number one?
Former top nine university seeks current and future top 10 universities to emulate. Harvard, Yale or Princeton preferred. I enjoy long hours in the Link, the occasional very cultured glass of wine and pseudo-intellectual conversations that include words like “banal” and “microfinance.” I’ve already overturned the current housing model to make it more Yale-esque, and I’m doing my very best to get rid of that unsightly greek problem! We can use my brand new China campus for a little rendezvous, and maybe even share a commencement speaker or something. Let’s meet up and discuss how I can be more like you. Call (919) 684-8111 and ask for “Duke.”
I miss you!
You: Intoxicated, possibly blackout. Wearing a tutu, neon sports bra and flashing tiara that says, “I’m 4 years old today!” Accompanied by other laughing girls in tutus and a dude in a hot dog costume. Was he your bf? I saw you make out with him, but you made out with everyone else, too. I’m open to anything, if that’s what you’re into. Just let me know.
Me: Rubbish-strewn, unequivocally blacktop. Covered in undergraduates, soaking with beer, the remains of solo cups ground into my surface by thousands of dancing feet. You graciously ignored the stench from my Porta Potties, and I appreciated it. It’s a personal problem, but I’m working on it.
Was that why you left? You used to come visit every Saturday. Maybe the look of joy on your face was for the pickups filled with beer, but I like to think it was for me. Please come back; I’m still here. I may look like just a parking lot, but underneath I’m still the same old party lot you used to love. Let’s get trashed and sing some T-Swift. Maybe we can go to the game afterwards or something. JK LOL.
I’m so sorry
I wrote a computer program. It comments on Chronicle articles with off-topic rants about the Duke lacrosse case.... It was never meant to be sentient.... Oh God, it’s here again! The group of 88 should be sorry! Now let me tell you a story about a University…
Occupy me, baby!
I will intellectually stimulate you like no one else. I can Marx you up a little, if that’s what you want. I’ll share my private property with you, if you know what I mean. And before you accuse me of working any Engels, we don’t have to go Russian into anything. Keeping up with me might be a little taxing at first, but pretty soon we’ll be lumpen our proletariats together every night. You know where to find me. Let’s get Social.
This space to be renovated
What? You don’t trust us? We know, we know. We’ve been promising a New Ad here for years, something comfortable, well lit, maybe even less carcinogenic (but don’t get your hopes up). We even made some model advertisements for you to look at, admire and wish you were reading instead of the dilapidated trash you wake up to every morning. But the problem is, well, we put another ad in this paper in China and, well, it’s expensive, you know? Actually, you shouldn’t even blame us, because you guys crashed the economy after you graduated. We’re the ones who have to get the budget back together. But don’t worry! New Ad is coming soon, we promise! Printing will begin Fall 2050. We hope.
Don’t give a damn ‘bout my reputation?
I know I’ve made some mistakes in the past. I may have falsely accused a group of college students of raping me. I’ve stolen a few cars. I set fire to my house. But I just want a new start, and if you’ll be my boyfriend, I promise I won’t stab YOU to death... really.
Career Fair coming soon
Interested in business, finance, economics, money or all of the above? Come to the Duke University Career Fair to find out how you can make the mo$t of your education. Optional schmoozing and cocktails afterward, if your resume is good enough. Not interested in business, finance, economics or money? Really? Then why are you here?
I made you dinner
I cooked you some tempeh with kale and garbanzo beans. I switched on a few electric candles so I wouldn’t set off the smoke alarm. I was all prepared to have a conversation about those nasty, privileged, insensitive Duke students. I was wearing my favorite organic cotton top. We were going to be offended together; we were going to make a plan to make this the most Global, service-oriented, politically correct university in the world. But you never came by. And now some of the frats are still on West Campus. Why, Larry, why? Was it something I said?
Concerned Global Citizen is too busy spearheading “Turkeys for Turkey” to write today. But thousands of earthquake refugees will have their traditional Thanksgiving dinner because of her hard work! It’s traditional there, too, right?
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