I have examined the race for the Republican Nomination for President over the past couple days I have come to the conclusion that the race is over. Sure, the primaries don’t actually start until January but it’s over already and I am officially declaring Mitt Romney the winner. You might be wondering, what about Mitt Romney is going to lead him to victory? What makes Mitt Romney so great? Well, absolutely nothing! You might have thought an article about how Mitt Romney is destined to win the primary race would be about how great Mitt Romney is. But it’s not because he is not that great. Rather I’m going to write about why all the other candidates are not going to win.
Let’s start with Gary Johnson, the former governor of New Mexico. He also climbed Mt. Everest and has competed iron man competitions. Sounds awesome, right? WRONG! However, he likes gay people and supports their right to marry. I’m not saying most Republicans are homophobes, but rather, that most homophobes are Republicans.
Let’s move on to everyone’s favorite candidate-who-never-had-a-chance, Rick Santorum. If you still think Santorum has a chance to win this race, then you haven’t googled his name.
Newt Gingrich is another candidate who is in this race for no apparent reason other than to hear himself talk in debates. Even if all the other candidates were covered in santorum, Gingrich would still lose by double-digits.
Ron Paul is the crazy, old libertarian of the field. Every time he makes a lot of sense in debates but, nobody will ever know because everyone phases him out like they phase out Grandpa when he starts talking about the “good, old days."
And then, there is Jon Huntsman. The former Ambassador to China under Obama has all the GOP voters asking: Who is this Democrat in our debates?
Now let’s get to some of the real candidates—we’ll start with Michele Bachmann. If her cover photo on Newsweek didn’t convince you she is crazy, I don’t know what will. If this race was decided on who hated abortion and loved kids the most, then she would win. But it’s not. It’s about who hates Obama the most.
Herman Cain has been getting a lot of buzz lately. There are two reasons he won’t win this race: 1) his past work experience is suspect; and 2) he’s black.
“Energized by overcoming the many obstacles of his job at Burger King, Herman took on the biggest challenge of his career,” according to Herman Cain’s website.
THAT IS ACTUALLY ON HIS WEBSITE. Seriously, go look right now! I might have taken it out of context but still, that sentence is actually on his website. Also, he is black. I’m not saying most Republicans are racist, but rather that most racists are Republicans.
Finally there is Ricky Perry, also known as George W. Bush 2.0. Have you watched him in debates? He doesn’t make any sense. At least when Dubya displayed his inability to talk by making up a word or forgetting a figure of speech halfway through saying it, you would somewhat understand what he was trying to say. That is simply not the case with Perry. Also, unless the debates get shortened, his performance is unlikely to get better. I know debates are boring, but Perry could at least pretend to be excited that he in running for President.
And there you have it. Mitt Romney will be challenging Barack Obama in 2012.
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