How to actually fix the IFC

And no, I don’t mean “fix” as in “neuter”—but I’m not totally against that, either—I mean how to make real progress in improving Interfraternity Council recruitment, by which I actually mean pledging because as all independents know, there’s no difference at all.

But first, I want to thank everyone who stands with me to Occupy Duke. We’re fighting for the people who serve us food, and that’s important, because I know they really care about what a group of privileged 20-year-olds think is good for them. I’m sure that the truly Global among you have been exposed to poor people in other countries. I was so surprised and impressed by how happy they were with what little they had. Then I came back to America and saw so much poverty here at home, and it hurt me deeply, because I knew they must be miserable. After all, they lacked the nobility that comes along with being poor in a real third world country. Now is our chance to... do something about this... somehow. Keep fighting the good fight, OD!

Right now another good fight is being fought. Fraternity recruitment is being overhauled and fixed by the IFC—and probably by the administrators, too, since they fix a lot of things on this campus without telling students. Now, I personally am not in a fraternity, because all but one of the IFC fraternities at Duke actually prohibit girls from joining, which is sexist, bigoted, offensive and probably racist since I’m basically Latina and African. But even if they did let me join, I would definitely say no because I don’t support their lifestyle. Before people accuse me of being judgmental without cause, I totally know about fraternities even though I’m not in one, because I’ve watched TV and I went to a section party once. Also, I read everything the editorial board says about them. So this is, like, informed.

I’m proud of the IFC fraternities for taking real reform into their hands. I’m sure they had to take their hands off their pledges’ gigglesticks to do that, and that’s super admirable. I understand that they’re instituting a self-patrolled system. It’s a good idea for fraternities to self-check their rush because everyone knows all frats hate each other and want to cripple the other groups if they can... or is that sororities? Or both? All I know is that greeks are terrible people, and they will totally tell on each other. The edit board told me so.

Also, I remember reading about how frat boys never do any community service or anything worthwhile because they’re all too busy hosting extreme things like transgressive parties. A shorter rush season for fraternities will make sure that sorority womyn are no longer forced—er, ah, “pressured”—into acting like the total sluts they are. It will also totally encourage frat boys to join DukeEngage like they should be anyway. It makes you a better person. I mean, look how Global I am.

A shorter fraternity rush season is also a good idea because it will make fraternity rush more like sorority rush. Sorority rush is really superficial, and that makes sense, because sororities are totally superficial as well, so they don’t deserve to get to know each other. Fraternity rush has been different so far because fraternities actually hang out with the guys they pledge. That goes against everything I, as an independent, know the greek system stands for: superficiality, cattiness and competition. Fraternity rush should catch up with the times by eliminating any real interactions between brothers and prospective pledges. It’s just more honest that way.

Since I’m sure they’re still in the process of deciding exactly what the rules will be, I have a suggestion of my own. I know that my opinion probably doesn’t matter that much because I’m an independent and have a vagina, but remember, I’ve seen movies about fraternities and I read the editorials, so I’m sure my ideas will be taken into account. Here’s my two cents on how to fix IFC pledging (because everyone knows that’s really all that frats do):

Mandatory service should be required. As far as I can tell, pledging sounds a lot like service work anyway—you don’t sleep; you spend your time running errands for other people; and you don’t get paid for it. This way, frats can totally do actual service instead of the Barbecue for Cancer Babies or whatever. For example, how about turning the traditional “elephant walk” into a relay walk fundraiser to save endangered elephants? I know, I know, it’s great. You can thank me later.