Eating sweet, innocent, trusting fellow creatures

I’ll never forget my first night in Africa. The tribespeople I was staying with (I can’t spell out their name because English letters are too limited to express their much richer language) greeted me in the traditional way that they greet honored guests. They slaughtered their fattest cow, cooked it with great ceremony and served it to me, refusing to eat until I took the first bite.

Needless to say, I was delighted. This was a rare opportunity! Not to eat the poor murdered cow flesh, I mean, but the chance to enlighten an undereducated people about the lofty principles of my own life. So I explained why none of us could eat that meal. It’s true, the concept of vegetarianism was difficult to explain to a people who have no word for “animal” in their language, but the interpreter my parents hired did a really good job, and eventually they understood that I would never eat anything with a soul.

You probably believe that it’s culturally irresponsible of me to refuse the food they had prepared, especially since their tribe reveres cows and only eats meat on very special occasions, and they were forced to throw all of it away because I didn’t eat any. But I do the same thing when I go to a friend’s house for dinner, and I believe in equality for all people. Frankly, I think it’s culturally, morally and environmentally irresponsible for anybody to eat meat.

Before I go on, I’d like to talk to you about your use of the word “animal.” You see, even though this tribe was doing such... well, barbaric is a loaded word.... Even though this tribe was doing such benighted things as eating meat and wearing the skins of their fellow creatures, they understood a concept that we privileged first world citizens never have. They knew that humans are animals, too. It’s so rude of you to say to your drunk friend, “Omigod, you’re acting like an animal.” Animals live with even less technology than people in third world countries! That means they’re even more noble! Would you really call the majestic pygmy hippopotamus by the same name you would use to describe an inebriated frat dude? (The pygmy hippopotamus, by the way, is endangered. The big hippopotamuses are probably Republicans.) Therefore, I propose we purge the word “animal” from our own language. Call them “fellow-creatures” or just plain “people.” That Good Morning Camper with bacon sure feels like murder now, doesn’t it?

I know I’m “preaching to the choir” (I generally try to avoid religious language, but I feel that the rest of you will understand it better than a secular metaphor) to the first-years, and that makes me very happy. For those of you who, like me, were living all summer without any available electricity or news source, let me tell you that the first-years read one of the best books published this century for their summer assignment. They had the pleasure of learning all about the evils of meat from Jonathan Safran Foer, a true master of innovation and one of the best authors of our time.

A summary: In the sparkling prose for which he is so well-known, Foer explained first why people eat meat (selfish, superficial reasons), and then he explained what was wrong with eating it. His wrenching images and gripping descriptions reached the hearts of many a hardened carnivore in the Class of 2015. Upperclassmenandwomen, you have so much to learn from your younger Duke siblings.

So how can you change? Obviously you should stop eating meat. You don’t have to be vegan, because nobody’s perfect, but remember that every bite of animal products you take is a bite of the flesh of your fellow people—people who have suffered more than you will ever imagine are now on your plate. You should also stop wearing leather. When I left my tribe in Africa, they had all switched from their traditional leather footwear to sandals made from rubber tires. This was an improvement for their people, because everyone knows that cultural traditions are only important to preserve if they aren’t totally icky.

You need to educate people about the importance of not eating meat. You don’t have to be annoying about it. For example, next time you are invited to a barbecue, bring your own veggie burgers. And a small separate grill, of course. You don’t want any murder juice to get on your moral food. Also make sure everyone at the barbecue knows that you are eating veggie burgers. Use this as an opportunity to teach your friends. A lot of people think that vegetarians are annoying, but that’s just because they don’t understand the reasons behind their choice. I like to hand out a small pamphlet that I’ve typed up and illustrated with graphic depictions of the meat industry so they can get a better idea of how bad eating meat really is.