Get him to the Greek (Devil)

The esteemed Freddie Mercury once sang, “fat bottomed squirrels/you make the gothic world go round.” Perhaps he was prescient in that he knew that the population’s average weight would increase over time, or maybe it was one of those “the world will end in 2012” type shots in the dark that the Mayans are making a ton of money from. Yet, I’ve definitely noticed that across campus some of my Sciuridae brethren have sizeable badonkadonks.

According to chief squirrel scientist Rocky J. Squirrel and his lead research assistant Bullwinkle J. Moose, posterior size is strongly, yet inversely, correlated to the healthiness of food consumed and time spent exercising. On one of my strolls to Research Drive, I passed one of my friends who lives in the BC parking lot trash can. Most students know him—he’s the one with the uniquely large glutei maximi —you can’t even recognize his glutei medii and minimi. I decided to play tag with him. How do you catch a unique squirrel? Unique up on him. I kicked his butt because he is too tame for this game. How do you catch a tame squirrel? Tame way. His inability to play childhood games made me wonder why he was so large and not in charge.

I weigh between 1 and 1.5 pounds (about six kiwis for those of you from Australia) depending on the day, but my friend weighs about 2.2 pounds (about one metric moose foot for the Canadians out there). I realized the weight difference is probably because he lives outside of McDonald’s. His cousin who weighs about the same lives in the trash can right outside Panda Express. My uncle who lives next to The Greek Devil weighs .75 pounds, whereas my grandfather who lives next to the Physics Building weighs negative 7 ounces (hopefully the LHC will explain this phenomenon).

I tried to explain these differences by researching all of the places on campus that have actual healthy options. Then I compared that to how many people actually choose these options (and therefore throw their scraps away). There is a small portion of the human population called “health experts” who think following a diet is harder than having sex at BYU. Every student who noms on an Alpine Atrium salad must be tempted by a tantalizing 10-piece chicken McNugget box just 200 feet away. On top of that, some students worry about how food points might run out, so they choose to consume the cheap McDonald’s option. My inner altruism has forced me to help my supersized Sciuromorpha Sciuridae Sciurus (that’s ancient German for “squirrel who is fat”) and students by compiling the best healthy/good-tasting meal options that the trash cans and restaurants have to offer.

1.Greek salad with chicken, The Greek Devil: This delicacy comes with healthy fats, protein and carbohydrates in addition to the natural benefits of a salad. It’s well priced at $7, which allows students to spend more money on learning on how to pronounce “gyro” correctly.

2. Smoked turkey sandwich on wheat, Alpine Atrium: I first ate this because it smelled good. I’ve heard students complain that it’s nearly $7 for just a sandwich. But it’s good; it’s on food points, and it’s convenient. While you’re there, you can even get some organically grown coffee. Grown with real carbon!

3. Froyo, Alpine Atrium: It is less than $3; it is under 100 calories, and it tastes sweet. Oh wait, that’s not a meal, that’s a freaking snack.

4. Oven roasted chicken sub on whole wheat with cheese, Subway: Don’t fool yourself, of course it’s healthier without cheese, but who wants to eat a sandwich without cheese? The 6-inch sandwich has 350 calories. It tastes good, and according to the jingle, it can be a “five ... five dollar ... five food point footlong.” Of course, nobody wants to go to Subway anymore because the lines are too long.