Happy SAD!

The Gothic Squirrel would like to wish everyone at Duke a happy Singles Awareness Day! Singles Awareness Day is the day when all couples make sure it is known that they are couples, all singles make it known they are singles and everyone for whom “it’s complicated” makes it well known that their relationship can be summed up by a phrase that noted billionaire/nerd/playa hater Mark Zuckerberg coined.

That being said, for males pursuing anything, this is the one day that guys can literally never mess up. The simple formula is that guys give girls roses, chocolate and a card that exemplifies the nature of your relationship. Romantic couples will give romantic cards (“Dear lover, I love you more than anything”), nerdy couples will give each other nerdy cards (“FeSCNCl2 is red; CoSO4 is blue; More than F=k*q1*q2/r^2; I’m attracted to you”), and engineers will discuss the answers to the latest problem set (“We can go on a date later, but the frequency of oscillation in part A is 2. I enjoy solving problems with you”). Singles with similar aspirations use similar tactics, with the exception being that engineers usually go straight to the next problem set and ignore the romance. I showed my personality by asking my girlfriend on a date to the Sushi Love trash can (you can get two pieces of thrown-out sushi for the price of one!) with a romantic witticism: “I love you more than Kyle loves getting buckets.”

My favorite part of SAD is witnessing the February 15th unromantic post-SAD clearance gift giving. Humans go NUTS trying to buy the most overpriced, stupid and awful gifts—usually in the form of candy. This is confirmed by the general rule of holiday gift giving: It isn’t meaningful unless you buy them something so idiotic that nobody else has it. “Oh those are nice edible-cabbage-patch-kids-doll-dressed-like-baby-Cupid earrings. Where did you get those?” “My boyfriend—he’s so thoughtful!”

Another ridiculous aspect of this gift-giving holiday is the waste of disposable income. Google tells me that the going rate for Valentine’s Day flowers delivered before noon is a staggering 25 human dollars. That’s the equivalent of two cases of Natty Light. The students of Duke are too smart to spend this much, so they usually go over to Whole Foods, print their card on ePrint and ask a female friend to help them deliver it. It’s efficient, effective and effortless (or you could have just paid Chi Psi to do it for $2).

But if you quite honestly don’t have any sort of date or really just don’t care, it’s OK. You can wax on about how St. Valentine really has no relation to the goddess of love, who was actually Aphrodite. However, the god of EROTIC love is Eros (which sounds a lot like erotic), or more commonly, Cupid (which sounds a lot like stupid). You could point out how idiotic SAD is in other countries: In 2008, Saudi Arabian religious police outlawed SAD-related materials, creating a black market for SAD roses (which is not to be confused with the sad market for black roses). A final idea would be to simply wallow in your own misery and watch a movie; The Gothic Squirrel suggests “I Hate Valentine’s Day”, starring the couple from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” or perhaps see “Valentine’s Day” with Taylor Lautner, star of “The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl.” This would keep you occupied while some broken-hearted girl posts as her status how upset she was that she didn’t get a rose. That’s where YOU come in. Then, seeing your online damsel in distress, you can go and slyly drop a red one in front of her door and run away. This is how I met your mother.

My last piece of advice to everyone on this SAD is: This is a very personal holiday, so don’t take advice from anyone else for what to do. If I’m trying to impress my squirrelfriend, I know her the best because I’m the one in a relationship with her, not any of my bros in the frat I just joined. If I just hand her a present she’ll be happy. However, if a cute, chubby toddler who hazardously wields a bow and arrow gives her the present, she’ll go Gaga—Lady Gaga.

The Gothic Squirrel is going to a “Lady’s Choice” Movie, which is code for the “Never Say Never”, the J-Biebs concert-movie.