The time of our lives

If only I had a walnut every time I heard the phrase “There is a time and a place for everything.” I’ve heard this used an excuse to celebrate a rare occurrence, like Halley’s Comet, Mardi Gras or an A in Econ 51. I’ve heard it used as an excuse not to do something, such as “don’t do your homework on the kitchen table during dinner” or “no Shooters-style cage dancing on the kitchen table during dinner.” Even more commonly, this phrase is utilized to point out the stupidity of one’s actions. For example, it’s generally unadvisable to talk about sex-capades during your wedding toast. There is, however, a time and a place that the implied regrets of this phrase lose their meaning: college.

College IS the time and the place to do everything, and more than that, do it incorrectly. As Ms. Frizzle told all the kids on “The Magic School Bus,” “Take chances, make mistakes, get messy”. Other than perhaps preschool, college is the only place that this isn’t terrible advice. Let’s think about this. If you do something wrong on an exam, you get a few points taken off. If you mess up on your quarterly fiscal projections because you made a small calculation error, you lose your job. If you decide that you hate your field of interest in college, you change your major; in the real world, you lose your job. Even if you blink awkwardly at your boss, you can lose your job. College is the research lab where people are able to socially experiment while still having room for error (plus or minus two standard deviations).

The environment of college induces students to socially experiment endlessly. Most social endeavors I hear about range from interesting to explicit, even more explicit than the joke “My girlfriend left me for a squirrel with bigger nuts.” BTW, everybody kisses and tells, totes not a social faux-paw. One might even write a thesis on that… I’ve heard of people having nice college relationships, hometown honeys and long-term friends with benefits (interestingly enough, socially acceptable between the ages of 20-35 and 65-136). I’ve heard of relationships failing at all stages: some last three hours, some end during engagement.

True to the experimental mindset, once people find that one method doesn’t work, they move onto another method. When you figure out gently stroking a girl’s coat is kind of creepy, a logical change-up would be to flirtatiously point out that she is looking “sweeter than tree sap.” Successful behaviors normally lead to some form of reciprocation, allowing flirters to figure out what gets the ladies. “Wow, that would have been great to know earlier” say most people when hearing these stories, but we wise men can’t tell you everything about getting tail. So it takes some baseline level of knowledge to know that there are clearly some things that you shouldn’t do. Specifically, this includes actions that have long term (i.e., beyond college) consequences. Getting your pup-cousin drunk in the parking lot is not a good idea because your aunt will hate you forever. Getting a tramp stamp right at the base of your tail is not a good idea either—these stay cute and fresh about as long as that Snooki person. These choices are always bad, regardless of time and place. If you ever find yourself on the verge of making one of these choices, not even the college safety net will catch you before you hit the ground (and reality) hard.

So enjoy your time here at college and make mistakes. Go listen to that Black Eyed Peas remix for the thousandth time. I have never felt this way before. Yes, I swear it’s the truth. And I owe it all to you

The Gothic Squirrel does not endorse the use of “(I’ve Had) the Time of My Life” as a wedding song.