Flirting season is upon us

My unique vantage point allows me to see the world in a different way. I can see things from ground level and am immune to emotional bias. You all know me, how many times have you tried to pet one of my family members, just to see us scamper away at the very last second? Squirrels are known for not paying attention until the very last minute. It follows from this eleventh hour mindset that right now a perfect time for a squirrel to get involved in rush.

I’m unable to partake in Limbaugh namesake activities, because squirrels have a low tolerance for social awk, but that’s OK because we squirrels have our own cultish societies and I have mastered rush for all species. I can meet 70 males within three weeks and for the love of phylum chordata I can DEFINITELY meet 100 females in five days. That being said, the unique concept of a SLG rush confuses me.

At least from ground level, I’m not quite sure of the differences between groups, but they all have nonsensical names. There are tables that are round, stones that are brown, and a Cube that is… In. These names are all deeply creative and truly describe the purpose and mission of SLGs. I really enjoy the cohabitation aspect of it all, as it gives them reasons never to nest (they should totally try squirrel-pup sitting as a rush event). Believe me—my female and I were going to be married when we were 50 weeks old, but we decided to wait until we were at least 53 because we were WAY more mature. I love seeing rumpled up flyers for SLG rush, too—events like “drinks night”, “sports night” and “game night” pique my interest because I couldn’t guess what I’m going to. Could I perhaps be figuring out the chemistry behind water? Will I be playing cricket? Is shooting *gulp* squirrels an activity? Perhaps too much is known about SLGs, maybe I should try my hand at something that nobody understands.

Sororities. I have a sexy fur coat, so I hang around a few key three/ core four/ alive five/ the six of styx. I mean, who wouldn’t want to flirt with girls for like, 12 hours a day, totally, for like, five days in Von Cannon? If SLGs have themes, what do sororities have? Letters? I’m joining Gamma Delta Iota! Bring on the GDI iron-on letters which will look super cute on my monogrammed tote bag! On a serious nut, I like sororities because I like to be judged on coat shininess and ability to squeak and run around all day. Wait, I can’t rush because I’m male? Thank goodness.

Help me, Omicron Kenobi, you’re my only hope—I need to join a frat. What do frats have that sororities don’t? Men! I <3 man flirting. I guess I could go to that one rush event that has alcohol and skating/bowling/curling, that one rush event that has alcohol and a few females or that one rush event that has alcohol and alcohol. I’m glad to meet them like that because I usually am inebriated over 90% of the time (I live in the trash can in Craven quad and beer is plentiful). At least I get to meet the people and confirm that, indeed, stereotypes are 100% true.

So I’m going to join a frat. Why? I love the idiocy of rush in frats the most. I’ve heard that one frat made up a story about how another frat is being de-chartered. Another frat complained on collegeacb.com that they are in fact tier 1.5, not tier 2. Also, frats are the only place that the awesomeness of a party is determined by how quickly it is shut down. I’ve noticed that the word “debauchery” gets slurred over 20 times at the good parties. At least that’s according to Asher Roth, noted frat star and #5,346,754,820 in baccalaureate speaker rankings (that’s WITH Duke goggles on).

When you finish rush and accept your bid, make sure to keep your friends diverse so you’re not putting all of your acorns in one basket.

The gothic squirrel is rushing Omicron Alpha Kappa because he was denied a bid from Upsilon Nu Carolina.