In my opening address I declared that openness and transparency would be touchstones of this Monday, Monday column. In the spirit of this promise, I wanted to open up the floor to you, the readers, without whom I would most likely sleep in on Sunday mornings instead of waking up early to piece together my weekend in a usually garbled 700 words (about 30 percent of which are “Tailgate”) that I then try to sneak past The Chronicle’s editors. So thank you, fanbase, for putting up with me until this—the last of my anonymous musings. I have given you the opportunity to ask of me anything—advice, my number, the inevitable “how do you sleep at night?”—and I have gotten back to you live via The Chronicle. I apologize for being unable to answer all of your thoughtful questions, but below is the best I could do. Enjoy!
Query #1:
Dear Gossip Bro,
I’m a bro but I’m self-conscious about my weight. I’m afraid this is sort of taboo, or that it could be perceived as kind of gay or lame. What should I do? Help me Brobi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.
Sincerely,
Manorexic
Dear Manorexic,
First off, if anything is gay or lame it’s the Star Wars reference, so you might want to cool your twin ion engines on that. Next, you’ve correctly identified your problem in scientific terms, but what I would prescribe is a shift from Manorexia to Brolemia—it’s an experimental treatment that allows bros to stay lean while blaming it, as that guy who played Ray Charles once said, on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Duke has already had a rough semester for Pottis, who have seen one too many forged Rhodes Scholarships and more unconscious 14-year-olds than my Friday night, so why would you want to subject them to any more humiliation by vomiting up your lunch into them? A fair point, but there are some choice bathroom locations that you can use and never be discovered, maintaining the integrity of both yourself and the Potti. Two that I’d recommend are the second floor bathroom of the Flowers building, which has an escape window onto the roof if the situation calls for it, and the baby-changing section of the men’s bathroom in the Nasher (Towerview named the latter one of 2010’s “Best Bathrooms To Discreetly Have An Eating Disorder In”). When in doubt, just remember the old maxim that my mother always told me: “If you’re not hungry, you’re not pretty.” Hope this helps!
Query #2:
Gossip Bro,
This is a little embarrassing, but I know you’ll understand where I’m coming from. So remember the guy who sunburned his name into his body for Tailgate? That was me. The problem is that even though it’s been three months, the letters are still fairly visible. I know it’s pretty fraternal, and I loved the shout-out you gave me in that one article, but it’s getting ridiculous. What do I do?
Love,
The Guy who Sunburned His Name into his Body for Tailgate
Dear Sunburned,
Again, congrats to you for one of the more creative Tailgate costumes in recent memory. Now, your query relates somewhat to the above in that it deals with a certain type of “rexia,” but this time the disorder is tanorexia as opposed to manorexia or anorexia or 4chanorexia (a fixation with Internet memes). My diagnosis is that the indomitable will of your tan, combined with what’s called “postpartyum depression” (a form of clinical depression that came to prominence after the cancelation of Tailgate) is to blame for your frustration. My recommendation is to view the immutability of your erythema solare (to use the technical name, because, like your tan, it is Greek in origin) not as anathema but as a nostalgic relic of a bygone golden age. When you look in the mirror, you can remember Tailgate as it was, not as the stupid thing it is about to become when L-Mo makes “significant changes” to it in the Spring.
Query #3:
Dear Gossip Bro,
Are you like, in a fraternity? Because I kind of want to bang you but I just don’t know if my letters can carry the both of us.
<3,
A Sororstitute Who Knows
Godammit Karen Owen... haven’t you gotten Gossip Bro into enough hot water already? And for rush’s sake YOU’RE NOT EVEN GREEK! Didn’t you read the letters to the editor that I got for congratulating you? You and your above average Microsoft Office skills can rot in Panhell for all I care.
(P.S. Loved the “Law & Order” episode!)
Query #4:
Gossip Bro,
How do you sleep at night?
Well I wouldn’t be much of a Gossip Bro if I could remember how I got to bed every night, but a cocktail of Ambien and vodka (what I like to call the “Nappletini”) and whatever pills I happen to pull out of my “skittles drawer” usually do the trick. Why do you ask?
Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Gossip Bro.
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