A modest proposal

Last Friday, hundreds of students gathered inside Cameron Indoor Stadium for the basketball team’s Countdown to Craziness. The event culminated with our first real preview of this year’s team: two 12-minute scrimmages, followed by a slam-dunk contest. Although most of the crowd was roused by such a show, I could not help but feel jealousy and sorrow. I found myself thinking that so many in the crowd deserved to be on the court as well, and were being denied an opportunity to perform at that level.

As an underclassman in high school, I, like many of my classmates here, played on my school’s junior varsity basketball team. I was an exceptionally hard worker, and was able to log myself at least a few minutes on the court every game. I ran hard on every play, and stayed after games to practice on occasion. One could even say that I was a fan favorite. Despite all of these attributes, however, I was denied the opportunity to play at the varsity level. This was mostly due to the fact that some other players were more athletically gifted than I was, which was something I couldn’t control. If it weren’t for that, I most likely would have followed a progression from varsity ball to college ball and then to the pros.

Classmates all around me fell victim to the same cruel fate as I, and it’s time we start doing something about it. We need to level the playing field. Certain individuals shouldn’t be allowed to advance farther than others in their respective fields just because of things out of their control.

It’s time we follow the example we’ve set in our classrooms so that we can get this all evened out. These are my proposals:

For those athletes who, like myself, have all the necessary credentials to compete in the big leagues, but find themselves to be physically inferior to naturally gifted players, the solution is simple. Recent strides in medicine and science have provided us with substances that can supplement our god-given ability. By elevating the athleticism of the lesser-endowed majority, they eradicate the bias of natural talent. While these substances, known as steroids, are technically only available by doctor’s prescription, I have heard that prescriptions are generally granted to anyone who seeks them. Steroids are also probably available around campus for a quick fix, if you know where to look.

While doping helps to alleviate some of the unfairness, not all underachieving ball players suffer from athletic deficiency. Some of those around us are indeed quite gifted and, as such, perform exceptionally in practice settings. However, the pressure of the game situation can oftentimes negatively impact a player’s performance and unjustly diminish them in the eyes of fans, coaches and, most importantly, talent scouts. When it comes to the big day, unfortunately, some of us just aren’t great “game players.”

This handicap is easily remedied through the implementation of an “extended-time” program. The adjustment would run as follows: All players would have the standard game duration to score as many points as possible. At the end of this allotted time, all players would leave the court except for those eligible for extended-time. These players would continue to play and score points and grab rebounds, sufficiently padding their statistics so as to more accurately reflect their actual ability. As a result, they too would be able to consider careers of the same caliber as those of the more naturally gifted players, leveling the playing field yet again. If necessary, this remedy could be used in conjunction with the steroids; the two are not mutually exclusive.

With measures such as the administration of steroids and the extended-time program in place, success on the court would no longer be fortuitously governed by things beyond our control. Any athlete could choose to pursue his or her sport to even the highest level of play and be successful there, assuming the institution of these programs in professional leagues as well. These measures would undoubtedly be unpopular among the current elite for obvious reasons, but we must not allow them to continue to perpetuate the same tired cycle of excellence. It’s time that every athlete, no matter how well prepared he or she may or may not be, knows what it is to be a superstar.