Attention, Class of 2013: The sky is falling

As both a graduate student and an alumnus of this fine university, I like to pretend that I'm above the filthy, teeming masses.

Just so we're clear: When I say filthy, teeming masses, I mean undergraduates. And before you argue with me, I have one word for you: Tailgate. And before you call me a hypocrite when you see me in the Blue Zone (please, please, the Blue Zone) this fall, you should be aware that, as a medical student, I go to Tailgate strictly to examine the adolescent in his natural environment so that I can better treat him in the future. Or maybe it's because I'm desperately trying to relive my undergraduate days. It's hard to remember sometimes.

Anyway, as I address you, the aforementioned masses, from up in my Ivory Tower, I have just two comments.

First, I would kick any one of you right off this campus if I could replace you with John Wall or Gerald Henderson. But you knew that already. I might as well tell you I'd replace a warm puddle of vomit with filet mignon, or that I'd replace Ninth Street with Franklin Street. It's not personal, just a fact.

Second, the sky is falling.

Of course I'm referring to Duke Basketball. What else could possibly be so important?

If any of you, members of the Class of 2013, are like me, you came to Duke almost entirely because you love basketball. You had some vague idea of "getting a world-class education," but you had no idea what that entailed, and you generally used it as an answer when people asked you why you chose Duke because you didn't think they'd believe you when you told them that you, a gangly kid from the suburbs, actually came to Duke for the same reason as Kyle Singler.

But in your head, you didn't envision sitting in a 300-person lecture hall, or even sitting out on the quad wearing a tweed blazer with suede arm patches and an Oxford shirt looking totally collegiate. Instead, you envisioned Final-Four-watching parties in Cameron, National Championship celebrations on the Quad, and at least one giant bench bonfire every year.

When you decided to come to Duke, the nearly $200,000 pricetag paid for more than four years of tuition plus fees. It also bought you a lifetime of Blue Devil Basketball fan-hood. You can't wriggle out of that one. But what if the team you get doesn't look like the team you bought? What if it's less successful? What if it's not coached by a legend? What if the columnist writing about it asks another rhetorical question?

Well, hold your head high, because the sky isn't falling. Coach K could leave, the team could miss out on the next 50 Final Fours, UNC could win the next five national championships and Duke Basketball would still be worth rooting for.

It would still be a team of good kids who play hard and generally enjoy being college students. They would still play in a beautiful old barn, where five or six times during your four years as a student it will get so loud that you won't be able to hear yourself scream and the goosebumps will pop up on your arms and you'll be convinced the whole place is about to come down on top of you and you won't even care one bit.

So here's a third comment tossed down from my Ivory Tower: Get ready. Don't agonize over recruits and coaches and Signing Day and the future. Enjoy your four years in Cameron.

Alex Fanaroff is a third-year medical student and former sports managing editor.