Sometimes it seems like there are just no original places to go for Spring Break. Acapulco? Puerto Vallarta? Myrtle, if you have a strong stomach and a weak wallet? It's all been done... repeatedly. And for uberhip folks like the recess staff, that just won't do. We like to be original, as long as we can do it while wearing the same American Apparel shirt as everyone we know.
So if you haven't made plans already for break-OK, you probably have, but bear with us here-we've put our journalistic skills into place to come up with the ideal location for an unforgettable Spring Break Oh-Nine.
Let's begin with the essentials of a great vacation location.
1. Sun. Lots of it. And, along the same lines...
2. Heat. The point of Spring Break, as everyone knows, is to procure the blatant tan everyone can see from across the quad. Awkward tan lines are recommended, but not required.
3. Excitement. There's nothing worse than a dull, sleepy rural town with nothing going on. You're going to want an explosive atmosphere for your optimal vacation enjoyment.
4. No crowds. You get too many loud college students from schools less elite than ours or too many old couples who ought to be in barca loungers in Boca and it ruins everything.
5. Practice pretending you're not an American. As the seasoned traveler knows, it's essential that you pretend you're a Canadian wherever you go.
6. Historic sites. There's more to vacation than getting tan, wasted and laid. Or at the very least, you're going to want to go somewhere that's dark and quiet when you're in the throes of hangover.
7. Great tourist pictures. What's a vacation if you don't have awesome snapshots to show your friends?
8. Tasty food. 'Cause who goes to England for Spring Break? 'Nuff said.
9. Great souvenirs. Oversize sombreros, souvenir cups or looted antiquities. Make sure you leave some room in your suitcase.
10. Men in uniform. That's right, ladies-if you're looking hot in a new swimsuit, you're going to want some good scenery of your own.
11. Water. Rivers or oceans. Or both, if possible.
After extensive research and consideration of a variety of locales-Great Salt Lake, Victoria, Australia (too soon?), etc., we've narrowed it down to the Official recess Spring Break Location. You guessed it: Sunny, beautiful Iraq.
Make sure you drop by the recess beach house for a few rounds of brewskisprayers!
We recommend wearing a flak jacket over that bathing suit. And perhaps a full-length robe.
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