Around campus:
CAREER CENTER NO LONGER HARPING ON I-BANKING
Page—In recent months, the Career Center has cooled to the idea of investment banking as a career, according to students contacted by The Chronicle. “Used to be, finance was all they’d talk about, but since last September, [career counselor] Bobbi Sue [Jackson] hasn’t mentioned it once,” claimed junior Dan Michaels. “Now, she keeps pushing things like retail management and even food service.” Added sophomore Tiffany Henderson, “My counselor couldn’t shut up about Wall Street before, but now he hardly ever talks about it.” Henderson mentioned that the counselor was supportive when she mentioned moving back to her native Kentucky. Neither Michaels nor Henderson could explain the Career Center’s sudden lack of interest in the financial industry.
Around the nation:
OHIO RENAMED "LEBRON"
Columbus, LeBron—The densely populated Midwestern state formerly known as “Ohio” has been renamed in honor of Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James, Gov. Ted Strickland, D-LeBron, confirmed on Monday. “LeBron James is a source of pride and a role model for the youth of our entire state, and what better way of honoring him than renaming our state,” Strickland said, adding, “He’s at least as deserving as Hannah Montana.” When informed that James was considering running for governor in 2010, Strickland ran from the room screaming. The Nike Corporation refused to confirm or deny any involvement.
TENSIONS INCREASE WITH IRAN
Arlington, Va.—Recent events have increased tensions between the United States and Iran, Pentagon sources confirmed. “To be honest, I didn’t have time to read the briefing today,” said Army Lt. Col. Seymour Butts. “But I’m sure they did something to increase tension, whether it was testing a missile, kidnapping some British sailors, or just Mahmoud What’s-his-name running off his mouth again, just like they have every day since 1979.” Upon hearing the news, oil prices jumped by $15 per barrel.
Around the world:
DUBAI BUILDS SOMETHING OVER-THE-TOP
Duba—Unconfirmed reports from our Middle Eastern bureau suggest that the city of Dubai, the oil and financial center known as the “Las Vegas of the Middle East”, has built yet another utterly useless and extravagant building. Details are vague, but Saudi and Kuwaiti intelligence indicate that the object is at least 500 feet tall, can house 8-10,000 people, and may be plated in gold. Defense and State Department analysts speculate that the monstrosity might be a nuclear power plant, a nightclub, a stock exchange, a baseball stadium or some combination of the four. The Chronicle will keep readers informed as the story develops.
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