Parents' Weakend

All rise for the Honorable Chairman.

Hey students. And parents. Yeah, I know some of you are still here, reliving your college days doing kegstands in section and dancing in the Shooters Cage (yes, it's capitalized; it's a geographic location). Hats off to you. You came, you showed your children how much you love them and reveled in the glory that is Duke's party scene. Parents' Weekend: what a great idea.

But what about the execution?

Yes, this weekend was filled with some fun-filled activities for parents such as Sweeney Todd, a capella and comedy shows and a men's soccer game. Additionally, the University put together some events with free food to make the parents feel special during their weekend.

But how special?

I mean, realistically, there wasn't a whole lot this weekend to separate it from any other. Some of you may disagree, but I stand by this broad, sweeping statement.

For a direct example of Parents' Weekend's ordinariness, let's compare this past weekend to Homecoming. Two weekends ago, for Homecoming, alumni from all years came back to a lavish ball held by President Richard Brodhead featuring many of Duke's excellent performance groups. There was free food and booze and even a dinner for alumni to pregame the ball. In addition, there was a baller tailgate for a hardfought, although losing, effort by the football team. You want a prescription for a "mad tight" weekend? That was it.

Now let's look at Parents' Weekend.

Now, Homecoming and Parents' Weekend have different goals. One represents an opportunity for old people to come back and relive the experiences they once had at the Gothic Wonderland. The other represents an opportunity for old people to come back and live vicariously (sometimes) through their childrens' experiences at the Gothic Wonderland. Still, let's give the parents more stuff for them to do when they're in town.

This weekend, we had an excellent opportunity to do just that. We had a football game that could have been here, but it was away. And we won. Imagine the Parents' Weekend tailgate combined with a win over a tough SEC opponent in Vanderbilt? Sicknasty. Instead of a free food event in the Bryan Center with a DJ (if you can call him that... his "equipment" was an iMac), we could have easily had a superparty with dancing and such in a less cramped space. Don't act like you don't want to see your friends' parents bustin' a move... or 12.

Throughout his Duke career, the Chairman has spoken to many undergrads whose parents make their own Parents' Weekends. Why, you ask? Why not? There is simply not enough added incentive for parents to come to town for Parents' Weekend. There is no irresistible event, or combination of events, to compel parents to take advantage of this key weekend.

Now, let me make clear that I love PWeekend (as we call it in the "hood"). Although somewhat arbitrary, it's a great excuse to have the 'rents in town and get some good meals that I can't afford. And there surely are holes in my argument. For instance, there was a basketball game this weekend (my response: the Blue-White scrimmage offered better competition). I just think that it might be cool to have some, ya know, big time events the parents might enjoy. In addition to a home football game and a big open bar dance party, I think Duke should think outside of the box on this one. How outside of the box? I smell a list...

1) Parent Paintball. Oh yeah. Duke can outfit all the old folks that want it with logo paintball gear and we can use the Gardens as a location. Game on.

2) Continuing Ed. For Parents. Have Duke's most established professors teach master classes on things they love for parents and students during PWeekend. I think you and I both know about James Bonk's not-so-secret talent at crocheting.

3) Extend the Weekend. Parents and Family Week, anyone? Naturally, we'd have to cancel classes for the week. Naturally.

My friends, these luminous thoughts are just the tip of the iceberg. The more we think about how to make this one weekend a year special, the more we will discover. Then, the more our parents will love us.

And don't try to tell me that Duke doesn't have the money to put on these and other events. I just got an e-mail from Brodhead telling me Duke's financial status is stable... and e-mail never lies.

The moral of the story is: Our parents pay a lot of money for us to come here, so let's make their visit extra special.

Or else we're all grounded.

Meeting adjourned.

THE CHAIRMAN hasn't seen his parents since he got that B in high school.