All rise for the Honorable Chairman.
All right, I'm pissed. Yeah, I said it. Suck it, Chronicle censors. I just can't hide it any longer. This week, I'm freaking angry.
Why, you ask? Well, that was a dumb question. I think you know why. I think the whole campus knows why. I think no less than half of the Western world knows why this week has brought such shame and despair to the Chairman.
A couple of weeks ago, Duke had a golden opportunity. This school had the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make a difference in many of its students' lives. The University had a chance to tap one of the best and brightest minds on Earth for the extra-special assignment of speaking at the 2009 graduation exercises.
And it failed.
As many of you know, two Mondays ago, Duke's powers that be chose the one-named wonder, the titan of talk, the duchess of daytime, the one, the only Oprah as Duke's graduation speaker for the class of 2009.
What a rip.
Now, for those of you who will accuse me of tackling "old news" in this column, keep in mind that I am the redheaded stepchild of the Tower of Campus Thought and Action. I am the last to know about every development on campus and, thus, the last to be able to write about it in a timely fashion. I would have written this column last week, but we were on Fall Break (or, as I like to call it, a convenient excuse to suspend my incendiary ideas). Heck, I would have written it two weeks ago, but, as usual, I was out of the loop and thus couldn't get a cup of tomato bisque. That being said, I'm gonna set about tackling this "old news" like Rodney Harrison (and that means illegally).
Oprah? Seriously? Do you people know anything about popular culture for the last 20 years? She's a has-been. A washup. A poor man's version of whom the administration should have looked at to inspire this year's seniors to do great things:
Yours truly.
That's right, this was the Chairman's time to shine. I had all my ducks in order to get this year's big gig: I starred in the film adaptation of "The Color Purple," I started my own magazine, "C", and I made sure my godson was in the graduating class. I was a shoe-in.
You really screwed up this time, Richard. What has Oprah done that I haven't? My book club, titled simply and beautifully "The Chairman's Book Club" has highlighted such seminal authors as Jacquelyn Mitchard and Carson McCullers long before others have. During my most recent guest lecture in Griffith Theater, I revealed to everyone in the audience that they would receive free Pontiacs for their attendance. My production company, Namriahc productions, has become wildly successful across almost every medium.
In fact, I can't think of one good reason why the administration would choose Oprah to speak at graduation over me. She's the embodiment of the American Dream in going from rags to riches? Yeah, welcome to the club. She's been named one of Time's "most influential people" more than once? There's a reason magazine sales are dropping. She started a South African girls school that jives perfectly with Duke's initiatives in the region such as WISER? Puh-lease. I have four.
I hope that you all agree with my assessment. We've seen this same story time and time again. This is yet another, abhorrent example of Duke's unwillingness to utilize its immediate connections to find a suitable graduation speaker. I'm right here, Duke. In the words of Sir Mix-a-Lot, "Use me, use me, cause you ain't that average groupie. I seen her dancin', to hell with romancin', sweat, wet." and so on. I want to lead. I want to inspire. I want my honorary degree.
Oprah, if you're reading this (and I'm sure you are, because you have nothing better to do), please don't misunderstand my displeasure. I believe that you will do an admirable job of setting our seniors on the correct path to fame and, in few cases, fortune. Your words will surely echo in perpetuity for all to hear, process and utilize in their future endeavors, both scholarly and otherwise. You will be an excellent resource as Duke prepares to loose a new generation of individuals, intellectuals and leaders upon the world.
Just not as excellent as me.
Meeting adjourned.
THE CHAIRMAN is unimpressed by Oprah's glory. I mean, anyone could have made Dr. Phil famous. Talk about a diamond in the rough.
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