[Insert title here]

Duke has a relationship problem. There are so many people at Duke stuck in the hookup culture that they're never monogamous. There's no dating scene. It's a deep-rooted problem to which I have a solution. The solution? Get rid of effortless perfection. Seriously, women at Duke are bound by a double-standard that's really tough to break. On the one hand, they want to be in a relationship, but on the other hand, they want to be socially accepted in our hookup culture. On the other hand, they want to randomly hook up with as many guys as possible. On the other hand, they have to work really hard and balance work and play. But on yet another hand, uh... effortless perfection.

Maybe fraternities are to blame. And sororities. Which, of course, means the administration is to blame. The administration is so mean. Just like the Group of 88. They stink. Has anyone else noticed this? There were, like, a bunch of professors who called out the lacrosse team and didn't apologize. That's bad. Bad like effortless perfection and hookup culture.

Perhaps it's a lack of engagement with the community. You see, we have this community around Duke. It's called Durham. And we're not engaging it enough. That's almost as big of a problem as effortless perfection and the hookup culture. But, uh... it's actually also interrelated with those two problems. And the "Hate 88".

No, actually, after some more consideration-it's the DSG's fault. DSG sucks so bad. How do I loathe thee, DSG? Let me count the ways. You tried to increase the amount of money I have to pay you so that student groups can get more funding. That's, like, a tax. I'm only OK with taxes when I don't have to pay them-like those proposed by Sen. Barack Obama (Hope! Change!). Also, you don't tell us everything right away. What's up with that? That's, like, secretive. Oh, and you're really ineffective. Seriously, though. You suck, DSG. I think I'll blame you for effortless perfection and hookup culture.

Actually, maybe Sarah Palin's the root of the problem. Has anyone else noticed how dumb she is? I mean. She's really not good at answering questions. She also teaches abstinence-only. Boo, Sarah Palin. The hookup culture is the direct result of her abstinence-only stance. And how dumb she is. She's sooo stupid. She also has a pregnant daughter. What's up with that?! Doesn't that, like, contradict with the fact that she supports abstinence-only education? That could almost be a joke, that her daughter's pregnant but she thinks people should only have sex after marriage. I'm gonna write a joke about that for my next column.

Speaking of my next column, I want to talk to you about what it's like to write a column for The Chronicle. It's really hard! I had an idea, but then I didn't like the idea, so I wrote something else. Writing for The Chronicle is almost as perspective-changing for me as my study abroad. Have I mentioned my study abroad? It really made me think about what the rest of the world is like. For instance, in my sojourn in the most impoverished region of the most impoverished country in Africa, I realized that my engagement really made a difference and personally brought the indigenous peoples out of the squalor in which they lived. It really opened my eyes, too, seeing them without their... you know, stuff that sorority girls stereotypically have here. And how privileged I am. And how I should buy sustainable and organic stuff back at home. Like, Africa, man. We have to save it. Wow.

I hope reading this column made you realize how much the Group of 88, the new Central Campus, the new ACES, RLHS, DSG, OIT, IFC, DDT, Jordan Giordano, John McCain, Sarah Palin, Bristol Palin, writing for The Chronicle, alienating Duke from Durham and pre-DukeEngage Africa all suck. Oh, and effortless perfection.

Danny Lewin is a Trinity junior. Some version of this column, with only slight alterations, runs Monday through Friday, every week of the year.