All rise for the Honorable Chairman.
At ease, soldier. A lot to cover this week, between Orientation, Tailgate and my plethora of Shooters D-Floor hookups (Dear freshmen: Sorry). I don't regret anything, though. Well, that's not entirely true.... I hate that bull.
Because my editors want to limit my influence over the impressionable young minds of Duke University (already), I'll have to defer the latter two subjects. That's probably a good thing for you readers. that last item can get a little unsavory at times.
Frankly, IMHO ("in my humble opinion" for you n00bs out there), Orientation was a rousing success. Don't believe me? Just ask any FAC on campus. He or she will give you a thoroughly unbiased opinion of the grand impact of "What is the What?" on our young Dukies' lives. I myself feel privileged to have been able to relive my lower self-esteem days through conversations with (Editor's Note: stalking of) East Campus residents throughout the entirety of Camp Duke. Some observations:
Freshmen are young.
Freshmen are people too (I know, I know, weird. But they are. Kind of).
You absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, regardless of outside factors, spell pregame without Pegram.
Now, "first-years," with regard to No. 2, you should know that I kid. I kid because I love. or something like that. Sorry, I failed Duke's course on tact (PUBPOL 115S).
Actually, the youth taught me a lot in the time that they weren't in class. Because I rarely associate with people outside of Duke, I don't often get a chance to see what outsiders think of the Gothic Wonderland. Just weeks ago (two, to be exact), these kids were outsiders. Thus, they have a lot of perspective (by the transitive property). Interestingly enough, according to a lot of frosh, many outsiders think that every Duke student either plays lacrosse or regularly frequents lacrosse parties. I don't know how the lax players got so popular, but man, they must be flattered. Nobody ever asks about my parties (they're hella dank, in case you were wondering).
Speaking of parties, ALE was creeping around some O-Week shindigs, busting some precocious little Devils's college-loving bubbles. You wanted fun, you should have gone to Carolina. Yeah, sure, you would have been lame, but maybe it's worth it for four years of ignorant bliss. Then again. maybe not.
In other news, you all do not know how lucky you are to have seen Maya Angelou speak. She remains, to this day, the only person on earth who knows why the caged bird sings. I don't know why that's important. but it sure sounds impressive.
Yup, from section parties to octogenarians, Orientation was a knee-slapping good time. Now that it's over, however, some of you young'ns might feel like you're listing uncontrollably on a sea of uncertainty. Well you are. And your dinghy just sprung a leak. You might want to start bailing. Oh, you're taking on a lot of water now. Yup, hope you can swim. Or at least tread water. If you're on Duke's Water Polo team, you're fine. So congratulations to four of you. The rest. yikes.
The bottom line in all this is that it's easy to get wrapped up in the freewheeling spirit of Orientation, extending it to your academic and extracurricular life. You had a great few days without worries, classes or commitment. The only thing troubling you in the least was running into last night's special friend at the Marketplace.
Hey.
Hey.
Um, I have to go.
Now that you have actual responsibilities, don't forget to, you know, take care of them. If you don't step up to the plate here at Duke, you will get eaten alive. It's a jungle out there, and your momma can't save you now. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em and trust me when I say that a penny saved is a penny earned. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, except when lightning strikes twice. Now go out there and take the bull by the horns.
On second thought, you'd better not. Really bad idea.
Meeting adjourned.
THE CHAIRMAN proposes replacing Orientation with orienteering. You know, with compasses. It would be WAY more fun.
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