I read this summer that Duke sponsored a program in an area of the world with insufficent protection against assault and even murder. A student on this University-backed program was accosted by natives, robbed and stabbed in the back of the neck with a box-cutter for good measure. In response, our administration has graciously offered to phase out the program... over the next half-century. Why is our university still letting students spend several months of the year in such an unsafe environment? I implore you to sign this petition calling for the immediate withdrawal of Duke funding to a program in so unsafe an area. That area, of course, is Central Campus.
Central Campus is a product of the architecturally putrid (albeit funkadelic) '70s. Evidenced by their lack of overhead lights in bedrooms and sagging ceilings in the bathrooms (or, if you live on the level above me, sagging floors), Central Campus Apartments were clearly intended to be a stop-gap housing solution. Don't get me wrong, I, like VH1, love the '70s; I don't like living in an apartment designed for my bell-bottomed predecessors.
I bought myself a one-way ticket to Central last year by making some regrettable life choices. I doubted my collar-popping abilities and chose not to rush a frat or SLG. I also doubted my luck, deciding not to roll the dice to try for a single or off-campus housing. Biggest mistake of my life. I discovered too late that the Residence Life and Housing Services policy is that the only juniors and seniors guaranteed to live on West Campus are card-carrying members of the Inter-Fraternity Council or those in Selective Living Groups. I wish they had marked the pioneering regulation with come catchy slogan like "No collared shirt? No Topsider shoes? No service."
Of course, this isn't to blame RLHS exclusively. They have enough on their hands with re-assigning unaffiliated sophomores to accommodat... overlooked unaffiliated sophomores. Low-blows aside, RLHS truly isn't the only culprit. It begins with IFC, which sees an increase in popularity of rushing as a sign we have too few fraternities.
This is clearly the correct assessment, for two reasons. First, an increase in recruitment has nothing to do with the fact that male Greeks have better, more stable access to housing in the first place. Thus, expanding IFC control over West Campus will solve the need for more frats, rather than causing a Catch-22 of recreating that need. Duh. Second, the popularity of one fraternity translates to the next, hence the increasing phenomenon of disenfranchised Phi Delt rejects flocking to Sig Nu. Thus, I can see why the IFC invited Sigma Pi to colonize (yes, that is the standard verbage), and SAE to re-colonize. For those keeping track at home, that's possibly another fifty or so rooms on their way to being stolen, keeping true with the tradition of colonization.
Fortunately, there are checks in place. These groups are submitted to a "rigorous" screening process to determine whether they are bro-tastic enough to live on West. This is called the Residential Group Assessment Committee. Clearly designed with the entire student body in mind, RGAC drew such laudatory remarks as: "We made the criteria as broad as possible and we took everyone's different missions into account so all the groups can succeed," (credit to Geordy Horton, a former IFC vice president of chapter services, who explained RGAC to The Chronicle in a Jan. 23, 2007 article). Even furthering this praiseworthy bias toward SLGs, the rules still remain nebulous on how a group could lose its housing on West, even if it consistently receives subpar scores.
Now, right now you might be thinking, "Gee! West isn't getting any bigger, but the student body is getting bigger, and IFC frats and SLGs are taking up more of the space! What gives?" You give. You give your living space up to an ever-expanding IFC and body of selectives. They need three years of consistently subpar scores to be considered for removal from West. I lost my chance to live on West after one year of not rushing, despite what I consider acceptable behavior.
That's OK, though. The administration has provided you some consolation prizes. What fabulous rewards do we receive? Well, we get to live on rich, vibrant Central Campus! But wait, there's more! If you're a junior, RLHS graciously presents to you: the option of living off-campus. In other words, if you're going to be living somewhere distant and unsafe, you're now allowed to live somewhere cheap, distant and unsafe (and with better furnishings to boot). Oh, but we're not done yet! The administration has finally called for a new Central Campus, with phase one to be complete in five (read: 10) years. Wow! What glorious prizes!
So, we have a problem, but what's the solution? Normally, the job of the humor columnist is to disguise his lack of a response to a problem by satirizing the hell out of it. I'll spare you my attempt at wit and, in its stead, give an even weaker attempt at argumentation. What if the largest segment of the student body-the independents-became a selective living group? It would be called Gamma Delta Iota (aptly named for God Damn Independents). Let's drop the GDI's into the RGAC scoring system and see what kind of housing we would earn, were we given the preferential treatment of IFC frats and SLGs.
Section management? We typically have the cleanest living spaces, as evidenced by a Chronicle report last year showing that SLG sections end the year owing more in damages. External involvement? As the largest group of students on campus, independents outpace any other SLG in community service by sheer volume. Intellectual focus? Arts and culture? Healthy living? Don't get me started.
So there it is. The solution is to turn independents into the brothers and sisters of Gamma Delta Iota, and we would overpower inferior SLGs. As a fraternity, we'll finally get the respect and representation we lacked as unaffiliated students. As for the rest of the IFC frats and SLGs, enjoy Central. You deserve it.
Danny Lewin is a Trinity junior. His column runs every other Wednesday.
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