All rise for the Honorable Chairman.
Alright, alright, you may sit. But don't slouch, because this week we have some honest-to-goodness business to attend to. I know, I know, with all the fun we've been having, it can be easy to forget that there are important things afoot here at the Gothic Wonderland.
According to this very paper (the only source of information I needT), something called "Duke Student Government" is proposing a "fee" increase to get "money" and "balance its budget." Now I don't go for all that economic mumbo-jumbo, and thus had little idea what any of this means. Confused and afraid, I went to the only place I knew would give me a totally calm and unbiased account of what kind of sh-, I mean, "stuff" was about to go down. The Rare Book Room, you say? Nope, sadly, it wasn't open. Good guess though. No, instead I went to (drumroll please...) the editorial pages of The Chronicle! (Again, the only source of information I needT)
"Surely," I thought, "the exceptionally informed and politically minded Duke students that write letters to The Chronicle will shed some light on the situation and allow me to sleep at night."
Boy, was I right on the money!
Just kidding. I couldn't have been further off if I were in Edens.
What I found was a lot of yelling. There were those who opposed the increase (many of them on uppers) and those who supported it (many of them on DSG). Now, along with not understanding the whole situation, the professional arguer in me was forced to pick a side. "Easy," I thought (Editor's Note: The Chairman did a lot of thinking this week. More than in the entire month of August), "there must be some consensus on what good this measure does for the student body."
Ouch. 0 for 2.
It seems to me that this whole thing is, like many things in life (especially trail mix), a mixed bag. There are parts of it I love, parts of it I hate, and the occasional dried cherry. Wait, sorry, still on the trail mix. Mmmmm... trail mix... think the Lobby Shop is open?
But I digress (as usual). What I want to do in this week's meeting is discuss (read: lecture you about) the merits and shortcomings of this fee increase.
Unfortunately, though I want to do this, discussing said merits and shortcomings requires a working knowledge of the proposal, which I still do not have. Instead, I will attempt to propose, to the best of my executive abilities, a fee increase on which we can all agree.
OK, the first step in talking about my proposal is to get in DSG members' mindset when they come up with their ideas. So, take a wiffle ball bat, put it between your forehead and the ground and spin around it twelve times. Thirteen even. You can still see straight? Do a couple more. Now you're cooking.
Alright, now that we can somewhat identify with our student representatives, let us tackle the ideas. First (and perhaps most controversial), I propose an amendment to an existing DSG idea. I've been hearing a lot about these things called "zip cars" that will make it easier for students to get around both on and off campus. Now this sounds all well and good, but for a fraction of the cost, with one simple measure, we can effectively solve all transportation issues in and around Duke: zip lines. Think about it: we install a zip line from the East bus stop to the West bus stop, one from Central to K-ville, and one from Alspaugh to Shooters. Giles, you say? We can change it from year to year, depending on the craziness of the freshmen in each dorm. That's part of the beauty of it. It would also remove from the equation the eternal foe of all Duke students: parking.
Lest you think that this idea (although ingenious, I know) is the only proposal tied to my fee increase, let me throw another suggestion out there. DSG seems to be discussing funding for several campus groups. I would like to offer some new organizations that fill Duke's needs.
1) Duke Chocolate Making Club. How cool would that be? With all the newfound dough, we could fly master chocolatiers in from Germany and take students on some pretty awesome field trips.
2) Duke in Space. Imagine the P-Zades D-Floor in zero gravity.
3) Duke Diamonds. Basically, the school buys diamonds that students can rent for special occasions. Kind of like zip cars. I particularly like this one.
And now that I have clearly sold you all on my fee increase, I urge you to consider it as an alternative to the current one.
That'll be $37,509.15. Plus tax.
Meeting adjourned.
THE CHAIRMAN wants to see Universal Healthcare as part of DSG's proposal. It's what Barack would do.
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