All rise for the Honorable Chairman.
Hallelujah. Let us pray.
Our coach, who art in Wallace Wade, Cutcliffe be thy name. Thy bowl game come, thy plays be run, at Duke as it was at Tennessee. Give us this week our weekly win, and forgive us our Tailgate, as we forgive those who pour Natty Light on us. And lead us not into false hope, but deliver us from losing. For thine is the offense, the defense and the special teams, for ever and ever (we hope). Amen.
OK, that's plenty of sacrilege for one column. Before I get yelled at by campus Christian groups for making a blasphemous religious analogy and campus Jewish groups for not including them in said analogy and campus a cappella groups for going into their practices drunkenly screaming "Never Gonna Give You Up" at the top of my lungs, I will turn my attention to a secular celebration of the singular phenomenon that is Duke Football.
Now, unless you've been living under a rock or at Alexan lately, you've probably heard the good news. That's right, I'm pregnant. Just kidding, stupid; I'm just morbidly obese. Actually, the good news to which I'm referring is the current record of Duke's most underappreciated and overpregamed sport, football. Duke Football is... drumroll please... 3-1.
"What does that mean," some of you might ask. Really? You go to Duke and you don't know how to read wins and losses? That's pretty sad, I mean even if you went to public school you... wait, what was that? What's a "win," you ask? Ah, that makes more sense.
It seems, due to Duke Football's prior inability to, um, win games, you have forgotten what the number to the left stands for. Let me break it down for you. When your team "scores" more "points" than the other "team," you "win."
Sounds simple, right? I bet you're wondering why we didn't do it sooner. Well, it's because we sucked. We were so bad in the last three years that, through four 2008 games, we have already eclipsed our win total from the previous three seasons combined. Now, that's what I call efficiency.
Not only that, but we've beaten some pretty quality opponents. Navy just beat a ranked Wake Forest team, Virginia is a traditionally good program, and JMU... well, JMU is just the bee's knees!
The importance of this last win cannot be overstated. The last time we won an ACC game, gas was a shockingly low $2.92 a gallon. Michael Phelps had just won a shockingly low six gold medals at the recent Summer Olympics. The Chairman had just scored a shockingly low 860 on his SAT. Times sure were simpler back then...
Back to the present. As some of you may know, Wall Street has been in a freefall lately, leaving many Americans confused and afraid. In this economy, I feel it necessary to adjust Duke's win total for inflation. Taking into account the recent economic downturn, Bernanke's willingness to cut rates at the Fed, and the dubious quality of Britney Spears' new single, "Womanizer," I calculate that our three wins should be treated like... eight. Yup, eight wins. At least. And if I know my college football, eight wins qualifies Duke Football for a trip to a bowl game!
You heard it here first, young'ns. The Devils are poised to take the next step on the college football staircase and venture to a postseason game. Who cares if that game is sponsored by PapaJohns.com? Better ingredients, better bowl game. That's what I always say.
For those of you who dispute my reasoning, let me remind you that it's airtight. Still don't believe me? Go take Econ 51, smarty pants. Lori Leachman will cut you down to size.
In conclusion, congratulations, Duke Football. You're an inspiration to all of us here on campus and we will continue to support you throughout your quest for Duke's first bowl game since 1994.
In the name of the coach, the team and the holy pigskin.
Amen.
Meeting adjourned.
THE CHAIRMAN passed out during last week's game because he was having so much fun. Yup, that was the reason.
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