A Non-Imus

All rise for the honorable Chairman.

Thank you, thank you; you may sit. I've called this week's meeting to, ahem, reintroduce myself. My name is Anonymous, and boy, is it good to be back. It's been a little while since I've jotted down my sage observations for The Chronicle's benefit, but trust me, I haven't lost the humor and charm that brought you quotes like, "A closed mouth gathers no feet" and "Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again." Man, I'm good with those column-relevant, precautionary axioms.

For those of you who don't remember, many moons ago, I used to grace these pages with such remarkable witticisms. Long story short, I became loose with my verbiage, some offense was taken, Aunt Ida burned the roast ham, and I was summarily suspended from my traditional duties and replaced by such hacks as shudder Jessica Ballou and David Distenfeld. But this didn't stop me, no way.

What led to my sudden rebirth in this tower of campus thought and action? Well, I'm glad you asked. Actually, there was nothing that I did to deserve being rehired. you could say I was rather inconspicuous during my layoff (well, actually, R&B star Bobby Valentino did write a song about me. remember? You, know, the guy who did "Pimpin' All Over the World" with Ludacris? Timbaland was on it? Anybody? Oh forget it.) Rather, the decision was more a result of the mistakes of others. Turns out, this was a banner year for people saying stupid things that were anything but anonymous. My theory: There were so many fabulous faux-pas this summer that my editors realized it couldn't hurt to loose me upon you unsuspecting youngsters once more. For the confused or culturally illiterate out there, let me explain.

I guess it all started in June, which makes sense. The sun is hot, the beach is crowded, and the national media is dumber than a ficus on painkillers.

Among many notable missteps, two ESPN personalities made bigtime gaffes. Columnist Jemele Hill compared rooting for the Boston Celtics to "saying Hitler was a victim." Shortly thereafter, reporter Bonnie Bernstein compared some high school basketball stars to Palestinian suicide bombers. Those pseudo-journalists aren't too good with those analogies, are they?

Just when you at home thought writers and reporters couldn't possibly unearth more inappropriateness, a cautious young gentleman named Don Imus decided to give a great big sucker punch to his reputation (at least what was left of it). A mere 16 months after Imus created some controversy with his comments about the Rutgers Women's Basketball Team, he made a seemingly racist comment about Make-It-Rain All-Star and sometime football player Adam "Pacman" Jones, leading to a second invitation to join the Facebook group "In Retrospect, That Was a Poor Choice." Actually, I really hope Imus isn't on Facebook. Can you say "untag"?

Which brings me to the point of this column (and you thought it didn't exist. for shame). I, Anonymous, do not wish ill upon any of the people referenced in this column. I think that each became famous for good reasons, as the United States is, more often than not, a meritocracy. If you don't believe me, just go listen to Paris Hilton's virtuosic opus, "Stars Are Crazy." Sublime. I simply use these individuals' unfortunate situations to illustrate that I am not only back, but better than ever. During my extended timeout, I have learned the value of standing by one's words. Not having a Duke student's name behind my writing is not a license to be inappropriate and disrespectful as some have been in the past. You, careful observer, should rest assured that this sacred temple of anonymity, once again free from the labels, assumptions and generalizations that define some aspects of Duke life (Editor's Note: How's that for a generalization?), will remain anonymous through the utmost care. I-nay, we-will have fun, but we will not do it while exploiting stereotypes that might hurt some members of the Duke community. C'mon, we're better than that. Speak for yourself, you say? Well, fine, you can write this column. Yeah, you, smart mouth. But I digress..