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Parting shots

In my year as a sports columnist for The Chronicle, I learned that the less I wrote about sports, the more people came up to me on the quad or on the town to tell me they liked my column.

So with one final soapbox to publicly air my grievances, and with no real desire to get sentimental, I've decided to go out in my senior column doing what I know best-complaining about the trivial things in life that I couldn't do on the sports pages. If anything, it'll be much more interesting than hearing how I've changed as a person, because that would be a lie.

So without further ado, and to quote one of my editors, ain't it wack...

...that none of the highways around here go in the direction they are supposed to? I-85 North goes east, I-85 South goes west, and all road signs lead to Southpoint.

...that it's practically impossible to discern what the Chapel carillon plays at 5 p.m.?

...that the Subway on West Campus is the only restaurant in the world where they openly question you when you order their product? After waiting 45 minutes for the four people in front of me to order, I've found that the counter person is always stunned when I tell them that I would like a sandwich. Sometimes this is because they are out of bread which, to me at least, is the one ingredient they probably shouldn't be out of.

On the off chance that you get the last loaf of bread (probably some Monterrey cheddar thing because this Subway is the only one in existence without Hearty Italian bread), there is the inevitable stare-down when you ask for the sandwich to be toasted. Your sandwich is then slammed into the toaster oven while the counter person complains about the manager to the three other people standing around not making bread. After you have selected your toppings, your sandwich then encounters "the rag," which is the cloth that is used to wipe down the one cutting knife they own and is easily the vilest thing in Durham County. No wonder I haven't eaten there in two years and urge you all to join me in boycott.

...that there is always Event Parking Only going on in the BC lot?

...that Duke is still a targeted school among the most selective employers in the United States despite the fact we interview in dungeon closets and receive career advice from people who have never held the jobs that we are applying for? It's time for someone in the Allen Building to take a serious look at the Career Center and bring up the space and its services to a level that is comparable with our peer institutions.

...that the Lobby Shop is priced as if its located in Terminal C of RDU airport?

...that in my Intro to International Relations class freshman year, Peter Feaver made us come up with our own final exam question on the exam, discuss how it would distinguish a good student from a bad student, and then answer it ourselves? I'll never forget that one, and hopefully now that this is in print and online he can't pull that stunt again.

...that the train conductor feels the need to sit on his horn when he's going through Durham at 4 in the morning, giving me nightmares about being run over by a train? What's worse, because the train goes straight on the tracks without anyone having to steer it, the conductor's job description pretty much entails pulling that horn all night long. Jerk.

...that Alpine Bagels are brought into the kitchen in giant garbage bags?

...that Durham actually has really good food (aside from Subway and Alpine)? Fearful that I wouldn't find food up to par to the stuff I get in New York, I've actually managed to find places that more than satisfy the major food groups. Chinese: Neo-China of Durham, Burgers: Dain's, Pizza: Randy's, Buffalo Wings: Satisfactions, Beer on tap: Tyler's Taproom, Beer for home: Sam's Quik Shop.

...that the only reason I enrolled in what would be the best class I took at Duke-Shakespeare After 1600, taught by George Gopen-was because a public policy class I was in got cancelled and it was one of the only research classes open that fit my schedule? Sounds cliche, but it was the only class that I took where I felt guilty when I missed a lecture. While we're on the topic of professors, thanks to Elisabeth and Manny.

...that college is over?

Thanks to all the people who read my columns. Help control the quad cat population; have your pet spayed or neutered. And stay far, far away from Subway

Galen Vaisman is a Trinity senior. He is a sports columnist and former sports associate editor for The Chronicle.

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