Mass debate

Kanye West and 50 Cent. Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner. Captain Ahab and Moby Dick. These are just a few of the greatest rivalries in recent history.

This week culminates in the final home game of the season between the Duke Blue Devils and the UNC Tar Heels, a rivalry AskMen.com rated as the best in all of sports. Now that's research, Kristin Butler.

But seriously, for me, the best part about rivalries are the intense debates that take place between the two sides. It's the type of discussion Lincoln and Douglas could have only dreamt about. Fans come up with cockamamie reasons why their team is better, like arguing that it's actually advantageous that their coach doesn't have 800 wins. In that spirit, I thought I'd settle three of the most trivial debates currently taking place (or not) on Duke's campus.

1. The Thing I vs. The Thing II

Pauly Dogs is a staple of the West Campus Plaza, serving up the best in medium-rare lunch fare. However, I am constantly asking myself which topping style I should choose. For many, it comes down to The Thing I (chili, cheese, BBQ sauce, garlic and red pepper seasoning and Texas Pete) and The Thing II (sauerkraut, raw onion, spicy mustard, Texas Pete and soy sauce). So, which cuisine reigns supreme? Let's look at the individual topping match-ups to decide a winner.

Cheese vs. Raw Onions: A tough one. Cutting both is associated with watering eyes, which certainly isn't a plus. However, only one of these items can be used as a metaphor to describe "Shrek." Raw Onions take Round 1.

Chili vs. Sauerkraut: Let's see, both are made in large crock-pots and often contain unidentifiable ingredients. Chili has a restaurant chain and rock band named in its honor. That seems pretty unstoppable. But wait, The Seattle Times reports that sauerkraut may cure bird flu. Down goes chili! Down goes chili!

Garlic & Red Pepper Seasoning vs. Spicy Mustard: Only one side is represented in the game Clue, and I am not referring to rejected character Monsieur Garlic. Unfortunately, the spicy condiment is no match for the tag-team of garlic and red pepper.

Everybody has his or her favorite library, whether it's the constant commotion of Perkins or the subdued seclusion of Bostock. If you're looking for a place to people-watch, Perkins is the library for you. I mean, Bostock is walked through about as frequently as the Great Wall of China is, David Copperfield notwithstanding.

Although Perkins may lay claim to five times as many volumes as its newer neighbor, Bostock can actually boast of a far more unusual collection. For example, Bostock contains the two shortest books ever written, "Career Opportunities for English Majors" and "1,000 Years of German Humor."

Winner: Neither. This contest clearly goes to Lilly. Has anyone on West Campus ever heard of DVDs?

1. The Roots vs. Third Eye Blind vs. Frontier: A Tribute to Journey

There is enormous (read: made-up) debate about who is the best of the three main LDOC performers this year. I think it's best if we look at how the three acts stack up in several different categories.

Awards History

The Roots:

Nominated for six Grammys and won two.

Third Eye Blind:

Attended the Grammys twice.

Frontier: A Tribute to Journey:

Bass guitarist refers to his grandmother as "Grammy."

Most Famous for...

The Roots:

Their jazzy sound and live instrumentation.

Third Eye Blind:

Providing the soundtrack to our elementary school years.

Frontier: A Tribute to Journey:

Covering that song from the "Sopranos" finale.

Musical Influences

The Roots:

Nas and Jay-Z (Oops, I forgot to change this one after Lupe Fiasco canceled)

Third Eye Blind:

Ring tones and people who use nonsensical words (Sorry, I forgot to change this one after Soulja Boy dropped out)

Frontier: A Tribute to Journey:

Umm... Journey

Winner: Duke students. This is easily the best LDOC lineup in more than a decade. Of course, that too is up for debate.

David Distenfeld's 14-year-old cousin came up with the title for this column.