If I had known last week's Sex Workers' Art Show featured an "anal sparkler show" (set to the tune of "America the Beautiful," no less), I might have seriously reconsidered my decision to watch the Super Bowl instead.
Ditto for the dominatrix who had the audience chant "faster, faster" in Chinese while she stroked a large strap-on (we're talking at least 12 inches here, people) and whipped a dog collar-clad "slave" kneeling beside her.
Let me also acknowledge that the stripper who pulled a chain of dollar bills out of her ass while Dolly Parton sang "God Bless the U.S.A." was probably worth the price of admission all by herself. (Who knew sex workers were so patriotic?)
After all, it's not every day that Duke students get to watch University-subsidized smut in the Bryan Center. So far as I can tell, the last time a pair of strippers shook their moneymakers on Duke-owned property was March 13, 2006... and I probably don't need to remind you how that turned out for the lacrosse players in attendance.
Since that fateful night, a combination of University regulations, negative media coverage (anyone remember that baby-oil wrestling match?) and widespread fear of 30-year prison sentences appear to have all but eliminated the once-thriving sex trade on campus.
As is my custom, I blame President Richard Brodhead for this sorry state of affairs. This, after all, is the same man who could hardly contain his righteous indignation in the weeks and months after rape allegations were lodged against members of the lacrosse team.
Just days after the scandal broke, Brodhead sent all duke.edu e-mail accounts a message insisting that whether or not sexual violence had occurred at the party, the decision to hire strippers was "irresponsible," "dishonorable" and indicative of "persistent problems involving the lacrosse team" requiring "substantial corrective action."
Shortly thereafter, Brodhead went before the Durham Chamber of Commerce to proclaim that although the lacrosse players may not have raped Crystal Mangum-the drug-addled, mentally unstable stripper they'd hired for their party-"whatever they did was bad enough." Committees were formed. Reports were written. "Standards of behavior" were clarified.
And let's not forget that seven months later, when nearly all fair-minded observers had long since concluded that the charges were bogus, Brodhead could still be seen insisting that booze and strippers constituted "highly unacceptable conduct" on "60 Minutes."
OK, OK, Dick, we get that you're no lap-dance enthusiast. But a little consistency would be nice.
You may recall that University rules currently prohibit strippers from being "invited or paid to perform at events sponsored by individual students, residential living groups, or cohesive units."
Well, that's why it was such a shock to discover that officials had allocated $3,500 to pay a troupe of current and former prostitutes, transvestites, phone sex workers and strippers to, well, perform at an event sponsored by students last Sunday.
In fact, the only difference between the Sex Workers' Art Show and other types of paid-for sexual titillation is that it was the Women's Center (and several other groups)-and not a bunch of beer-fueled jocks-doing the paying.
Personally, I'm inclined to think this is a step in the right direction: There's nothing wrong with hiring strippers (so long as you don't break the law, I suppose), and I don't have a problem with them visiting our campus. And given the thousands of dollars I'm overcharged in student fees each year, it seems only fitting that some small part of that money go toward pseudo-educational pornography for my enjoyment.
But this episode also represents the most damning evidence yet that Duke officials' newfound determination to act in loco parentis for undergrads is unworkable.
Consider the rationale advanced by Vice President for Student Affairs Larry Moneta, who wrote The (Raleigh) News & Observer Feb. 8 to insist that Duke's decision to host the "art" show "should be perceived as evidence that Duke continues to be a community filled with diverse people and opinions, and one committed to academic freedom and free speech."
By appointing themselves sole arbiters of decency and morality, Duke officials encourage a culture of regulatory doublethink that is wholly incompatible with the educational mission of this University. They also make themselves look like blithering idiots.
Next time, let's just say no to this new breed of shameless hypocrisy on our campus.
Kristin Butler is a Trinity senior. Her column runs every Tuesday.
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