Zach Braff is Brandon Curl

I'm not actually Zach Braff.

I wonder if James and Joyce or Jack Bauer's Bidet ever had this problem. Were befuddled seniors scouring the eponymous bar off East for "A Portrait of the Artist as a Monday, Monday Columnist?" Did confused underclassmen ever scan the Plaza for an appearance of Kiefer Sutherland's elusive wash bin?

But since I began writing this column nearly four months ago, I've encountered many starry-eyed students wanting to know if I could hook them up with Zach Braff since, you know, I was getting him to write for the paper and all. Because how else does one follow starring, writing and directing for television and movies than by writing for a Duke University student publication? Besides doing voiceovers for Wendy's commercials, I suppose... (Say it ain't so, Zach).

But my anti-fame has even extended beyond campus. You may remember a column I wrote back in September about the inexplicable Facebook popularity of senior Hasnain Zaidi. In that column, I publicly challenged the digital deity that I could assemble a larger list of friends under a new "Zachary Israel Braff" Facebook profile than Hasnain, himself-without ever friending a single person.

So how vast is my social network now? Well dear readers-my bastion of support, my grassroots groundswell of endorsement and the foundation for my funny-the semester is up, the results are in and you have spoken.

All 65 of you.

Well, 64 really, given that I friended myself from my actual Facebook account. That compares to the now 1,474 friends of Hasnain. And for those keeping count, that's an increase of 75 friends for him from earlier in the semester. That means that since September I've actually gained negative ground. Hasnain even friended me, I'm pretty sure, just to mock me.

But the vast majority of Zach Braff's new Facebook friends aren't even Duke students. I've received around 100 other friend requests from people who think I'm the real deal in places as far away as Texas A&M, France and Bangladesh.

Somehow I didn't have the heart to break it to that girl. I hope Zach actually did show up to that Starbucks meeting I arranged.

"I just want to congratulate you for your talent, your films, your personality... you, just you! You're the best!"

I'm pretty sure that last one was actually talking about me.

I'd also like to thank some people before I close:

Thanks to my editor, Ryan McCartney. You always kept me appropriate, funny and devoid of Oxford commas. Somehow you dealt with my inability to turn in a single column ahead of deadline (including this one). I knew that if I could make you laugh while reading my draft, I'd truly written something funny.

Thanks to my 65 Facebook friends.

Thanks to my three actual friends. You provided me with invaluable feedback, encouragement and oftentimes fodder for my columns. Without you my columns would have looked like Elliott Wolf's without the research or big words.

Thanks to Elliott Wolf. I referred to you more than Soulja Boy or Priya Patel's goal-post incident.

And finally thanks to all the e-mails and comments I received from those who enjoyed reading my musings. You made my day.

Before I end, I'd like to share a story of my most treasured moment while writing this storied column.

Back in October I wrote a column entitled "Zach Braff and the death of Duke basketball" in which I eulogized our basketball team given the loss of the now-Georgetown-commit, Greg Monroe. While writing this column, I've had the opportunity to speak with many people I've poked fun at. None made me feel more sorry for making fun of them than Jon Scheyer, who I subtly referred to as a "small, shrimpy white dude."

When I mentioned to Jon that I was writing the Monday, Monday column and had written that notorious column about the team, he stopped looking at the two-page Chanticleer spread of his gameday faces he was using to play a match game and glared at me with a face only Jon Scheyer could conjure up.

"That was you!?!" he seethed.

I stuttered, "Uh... yeah, but I was just kidding. I mean, I'm a big fan..."

Jon laughs. "Nah... I'm just messing, man. I never read that crap."

The joke's on me.

Brandon Curl is ZACH BRAFF for the last time.