Imagine spending all weekend on a three-page paper only to receive no academic credit. That's the tortured life of a Chronicle columnist. Fortunately for us, the editors at The Chronicle provide each columnist with a useful guide to writing a column at the beginning of each semester-a skeleton, if you will.
So with actual papers to write this weekend (ones that will hopefully receive some academic credit), I've decided to print their guide instead.
The Chronicle Guide to Writing Columns/Monday, Monday
Insert catchy opening line involving topics that grab the attention of Duke students who are quickly skimming The Chronicle.
Sex. Drugs. Duke Basketball.
Begin anecdote of personal experience in an attempt to write an entire column based on musings and speculations without having to research or do any actual work required of a columnist. Lose majority of readers by mid-sentence. Include quote from friend involved in anecdote:
"I think [misquote] and [misquote]. [Misquote]."
Ironic comment on honesty and journalistic integrity. Disparaging comment about sorority A.
Bring anecdote to close revealing that the massive buildup to story is not worth the unfortunate mediocre payoff. Sad realization that anecdote will not suffice as entire column. Desperate search for humorous line to reclaim readers.... "Crank dat soulja boy" reference. Success.
Last-ditch effort to engage the Duke community by discussing a topic of relevant importance before settling for trite, unoriginal and overdone topics like the lacrosse case, the Campus Culture Initiative or the pervasiveness of alcohol on campus.
Disparaging comment about sorority B.
Eventual revelation of flawed comic premise in eighth paragraph relating previous anecdote to overdone topic. Inadvertently expose author's lack of depth in understanding shared academic and social experiences. Compensate by insinuating that the author has highest tolerance for alcohol and consequently the most active sex life.
Sweeping statement that suggests all Duke students behave or believe in an identical fashion. Condemnation of administration for suggesting that all Duke students behave or believe in an identical fashion. In that process, belittle Duke administrator by patronizingly referring to him as a character from Sesame Street. Elliott Wolf reference.
Block quote that when taken out of context will sound absurd, increasing the likelihood that one will read this column before flipping back to Sudoku. Facebook and Marketplace reference rolled into one.
Disparaging comment about sorority C.
Inside joke that only my friends will understand. Cement hollies. Georgia football. The Verve. Unfortunate realization that the last inside joke has already been revealed on Juicy Campus.
Continue with weekly survey of niche experiences that the majority of readers will be unable to relate to, like graduate school or living in Iowa.
Misinformation. Misinformation. Misinformation.
Extended metaphor relating fraternity A's poor reputation with sororities A, B and C to Duke Football. Punch line depicting Northwestern as Chick-fil-A ladies. Natalie Portman reference.
With word limit to column approaching and no meaningful progression or development to comic premise in sight, bring column to an abrupt end.
Sum up wandering rant into suggestion of how all Duke students should behave.
Cliche.
If all else fails, lift idea for column from Second City sketch.
Italicized phrase that includes the names ZACH BRAFF and Brandon Curl.
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