ZACH BRAFF's column this week has been judged as too offensive and controversial to be printed. We apologize to those individuals who may have obtained the early printing of today's edition that included the outrageous column. All of those copies that were accidentally made available in the Levine Science Research Center between 7 a.m. and 8 a.m. have been replaced with this new edition.
Although we are unable to print the title of the distasteful column, we can say that it resembled a cross between Phillip Kurian's Fall 2004 column, "The Jews" and ZACH BRAFF's previously offensive "Zach Braff and the death of Duke Basketball"-yes, it was about Jon Scheyer.
As is customary with all Chronicle columnists, we asked ZACH BRAFF to prepare emergency columns for every possible contingency at the beginning of the semester should the need arise. In place of the hateful column, we have decided to print one of those pieces.
Merry Christmas from ZACH BRAFF!
Today is Monday the 24th of December and it's Christmas Eve. Personally, my favorite part about the night before Christmas is that it's not three days before Thanksgiving.
But more than not being just three days before Thanksgiving, the true meaning of Christmas is a universal time of reflection. On Christmas, people of all religions can come together to reflect-Catholics, Protestants and Jews for Jesus.
It's been a great year and an even better first semester, especially the last few weeks following Thanksgiving Break. So let's reflect on what happened.
After the heartbreaking loss to football powerhouse Notre Dame, our beloved Devils responded with a resounding 10-9 pounding of our hated rivals down Tobacco Road. Finally, we proved we're slightly better than another mediocre football team at a basketball school. In a related note, Priya Patel has finally been released from the hospital after running headfirst into the goal post for the second time this season. (It's OK, I still know her.)
And after the unpredictably nuts season of college football in which top-ranked teams went belly-up each week, the events of the final weekend came as a shock to no one.
I'm sure we all could have predicted that not only did the other 118 teams in Division-IA all lose on the final weekend (yes, it is technically impossible for more than half to lose), but they were all so soundly crushed that the BCS voters determined this season's national champion would be determined by academic rather than athletic prowess.
The entire campus is surely stoked for our appearance against Stanford in the Texas Instruments Bowl.
The Regina Spektor concert fiasco was also one few will forget. In her defense, Spektor noted she behaved in a manner concordant with previous, headlining Duke performances. This explains why Spektor barely showed up in time for her concert after treating her 17-person entourage to P.F. Chang's and then walked off stage after a mere 40-minute set. Spektor also apologized for her negative comments about the Duke lacrosse case she retroactively made before the concert. Said Spektor, "I'm sorry for publicly condemning those individuals based on erroneous evidence. Am I going to get paid now?"
Many students are also still trying to sort out their schedules for next semester after the ACES mishap. Hopefully you weren't one of the nearly 1,200 students who mistakenly validated for the Michigan basketball game rather than sign up for Spring classes.
My gift to you this Christmas is this column. Unfortunately, the only way you'd get to read it is if I wrote something highly inappropriate like a slang term for oral sex in the middle of my column. Merry Christmas to all and someone please buy Scheyer a Hanukkah bush.
ZACH BRAFF and Brandon Curl learned that "Christmas" is the eighth acceptable spelling of "Hanukkah."
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