Zach Braff and Barbara Who?

Knock. Knock.

Who's there?

Barbara Kingsolver.

Barbara Kingsolver, who?

Exactly.

That's the joke surfacing around campus this week as students return back from Thanksgiving Break. Unfortunately, if you get the joke, you don't really get the joke.

For those who don't know, Kingsolver is the award-winning novelist and bestselling author of "The Poisonwood Bible" and, officially as of last week, the speaker designated to give the commencement address at graduation this coming May.

But since her announcement as the commencement speaker, Kingsolver's been about as warmly received by the student body as the Cameron Crazies would welcome an opponent's starting lineup in Cameron Indoor.

Apparently, Elliott Wolf-the most infamous student on campus not named Gerald Henderson-reportedly had to ask how to spell Kingsolver's name. And if you have to ask how to spell a name as phonetically simple as King-solver, it might signal the insincerity of your satisfaction. (After all, I bet you Elliott Wolf knows how to spell Krzyzewski.)

But let's not pin this only on Elliott Wolf. The entire student body seems less than thrilled. According to a recent Chronicle Online Internet poll, 73 percent of respondents are not satisfied with Barbara Kingsolver's selection as the University's commencement speaker. Of course, The Chronicle warns their poll is not scientific. The number would be higher if not for the fact that people now positively associate the name "King" with Taylor King's 27-point explosion Sunday.

Still, Duke is sticking to its guns with this selection. In a retort to the Barbara-backlash, President Brodhead reportedly had this to say:

"If anybody has any doubts about this speaker, people should go read more books."

Ouch. I think President Brodhead just called us stupid.

Apparently doubting the soundness of our University president's decisions makes us ignorant. Sound like another president?

But more than anyone, I feel bad for Barbara Kingsolver. All of this must be really quite humbling for her.

Imagine being Barbara Kingsolver. You're an accomplished writer and have been for nearly 20 years. At one point, Time Magazine called you a "gifted magician of words." You were awarded the National Humanities Medal by President Bill Clinton the same year as Nobel Prize-winning author Toni Morrison. On top of that, you established the Bellwether Prize for literature that addresses issues of social justice. You even wrote a book that was a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize and was an Oprah's Book Club selection. Oprah, for God's sake!

But all of that doesn't matter because a bunch of Duke students think you're a no-name.

"Sorry, never heard of you. Call us when you've actually accomplished something. Is Stephen Colbert available? He's on TV."

Or imagine being Kingsolver's daughter, who is a junior here at Duke. You thought it was awkward when your mom accompanied you on the middle school field trip and you had to endure the countless "yo momma" jokes on the bus ride. Try having those jokes printed in the school newspaper.

"Yo momma is so unknown that she used P. D. Eastman's 'Are You My Mother?' when you were younger as an educational tool!"

But the real joke of this whole uproar is the fact that it's not really an uproar at all. The controversy surrounding Kingsolver's selection is really more of a dull apathy.

"Who's the commencement speaker? Barbara Kingsolver? Never heard of her. Loop and swiss to go, please."

If only the students and the administrators cared as much about the commencement speech as they do about who performs at Last Day of Classes. Here's hoping we book Third Eye Blind this year. Otherwise, we'll have a real campus riot on our hands.

ZACH BRAFF, Brandon Curl, Barbara Kingsolver. Animal, Vegetable, Miracle.