Tom hates pandas. Hates them.
According to Tom, they are the most unfit species to live on this planet. The panda birth process, which is itself front-page news, is so entirely complicated that it requires six vets and a painfully descriptive process known as a "breach birth."
In fact, Tom swears that the vets have so much trouble getting pandas to mate that they actually have to show the animals wild videos of pandas mating so the captive ones know what to do (which is actually not so different from Duke students). They're on the edge of extinction and the pandas aren't even alarmed enough by their own imminent snuffing-out to spur them to reproduce-all of which makes one wonder how they even survived before the advent of modern zoology.
And yet, they're cute. So it makes the tortuous process of sustaining their species all worthwhile.
But not if Tom has anything to say about it. He insists that if we raised awareness, we could take panda hatred worldwide. "Once you know the facts," he says, "it's so clear."
But this isn't an article about pandas. It's an article about Tom.
Who is Tom? Tom is a Trinity sophomore from D.C., a potential psychology major and was once described in a Washington Post article as "cherub-faced." You may not know him personally (he has barely one-fifth the Facebook friends of Hasnain Zaidi). But the most unique thing about Tom is the fact that he is an expert on everything-including pandas.
Because of a natural ability to always remain hyperobservant, Tom knows more about electric razors, sweatshirts and sandwiches than I do about Zach Braff. And that's saying a lot considering I know off-hand that Zach is exactly 1.84 meters tall.
He is what Malcolm Gladwell, bestselling author of "The Tipping Point," would call a Maven.
A champion of the social theory of word-of-mouth epidemics, Gladwell's premise is simple-little things can make a big difference. According to Gladwell, three types of people carry a distinct power to spread social epidemics. They are Connectors, Salesmen and Mavens. While Connectors link us together and Salesmen persuade us to adopt new trends, Mavens are experts-intense gatherers of information who are often the first to pick up on new movements.
Tom is Duke's Maven.
His knowledge base is absurd. If you ask Tom, he'll tell you that "the expertise stems from observing everything-even dumb, minute things-carefully and really pondering." To give you an idea of what he's talking about, let me just point out that I first noticed Tom's extraordinary ability when he helped me through a sweatshirt purchase by speaking more intelligently about thread counts than Elliott Wolf discusses the Undergraduate Judicial Code. (Does anyone have any idea what he's talking about? It must be way over my head...)
Let's take a look at one Duke social trend in particular-the flu shot.
First off, let's set one thing straight. The flu shot is not science. It's a fad. Personally, I think it's a bunch of hocus pocus. People wildly interpret any cold symptoms as the flu so we have no basis to assert getting vaccinated to avoid the "epidemic." And if the flu shot were a legitimate vaccination, it'd be a one-time thing-not a profit-driven enterprise that requires you get a new shot every year like you're replacing last season's outdated fashions. And for some reason they want us to believe that flu shots are always in short supply, like they're iPhones or something. It's a vaccine. Make copies!
But Tom sees things differently. Tom notes that "getting sick in college is a terrifying proposition. It's totally out of your control, and if you get sick at the wrong time, you're totally [screwed]. If there's even a 10-percent chance that it does work, then it's worth it."
And he tells me it's not hocus pocus. Apparently, "It's developed yearly by some very smart people. Plus it's included in your $45,000 per year, so take advantage of it."
Makes sense doesn't it? Curious about some more of his opinions? Here's a quick Duke Consumer Reports of sorts from Tom.
Overall best campus eatery: The Loop
Fall or Spring semester: Spring
Campus nightlife spot: Devine's
Best place to take a date: "My bedroom"
One thing's for sure, when Tom does take a date to his bedroom, he no doubt (as Method Man says in "Garden State"), "drops some knowledge on that [female]!"
ZACH BRAFF and Brandon Curl are getting flu shots right now.
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