At some point during 36 consecutive sleepless hours spent wandering the Blue Zone at the GSPC Basketball Campout, I came to an important realization.
Ticketing procedures at Cameron Indoor Stadium are Communist.
Think about it: You have a highly-valued item in short supply being offered for free (or, in the case of the grad student process, at a greatly reduced rate). To attain the item, you just have to wait long enough and maybe get a little lucky. I don't know about you, but to me, that sounds like a bread line.
(I'm actively resisting drawing any comparison between line monitors/campout chairs and the Soviet Secret Police. Not because there aren't any similarities, but because pointing out that distribution of highly valued tickets is essentially done by bureaucrats that have risen to power by being good comrades would be a cheap shot. And I don't take cheap shots.)
Now, I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with Communism; I'm not here to make value judgments. Except Communism didn't work (see: Wall, The Berlin) and-I'll let you in on a secret-neither does ticket distribution for basketball games.
At Campout, men's basketball head coach Mike Krzyzewski showed up and spoke to the grad students. In addition to making a mandatory Polish joke, he showed a video about having the will to win. The video was a highlight tape of assistant coach Steve Wojciechowski's final home game, a win over North Carolina. Coach K told his audience to pay special attention to the crowd in the video-how they supported the team and helped will the players to victory.
Clearly, after the Blue Devils lost four of eight conference home games last season, Krzyzewski thought the Cameron Indoor crowd was lacking. And when you watch one of those classic games from the 1990s, it's pretty clear that today's fans are a much less passionate group.
I have two theories as to why this might be the case. First, as Duke has improved its academic reputation, it has attracted more brilliant students and fewer hard-core basketball fans. I have no idea whether this is true; but it seems compelling. Second (and more compellingly), as Duke's basketball fans have received increased media attention, being a Cameron Crazie has become the thing to do. The game is secondary to the spectacle; Cameron is a place to see and be seen on a national level, to hold up stupid signs and wear stupid costumes in the hopes that it'll get you on ESPN.
I spent four years going to games in Cameron. I can tell you for a fact that a good number of the "fans" in there weren't really there because they were huge basketball fans. In fact, a good number of the "craziest" fans, the ones that spent the most nights outside and got the best spots in the middle of the front row (right behind my seat as a Chronicle reporter), didn't seem to know much about basketball. And I'm talking about basic things-like who Nate James is, or what constitutes the difference between a block and a charge.
So here's the solution: The Cameron Aptitude Test.
The CAT is how the basketball ticketing policy moves from the USSR to the United States. Instead of a system based entirely on waiting in line for a handout, you have something resembling meritocracy. I'm not talking about changing any important traditions-you can keep your GSPC Campout and your Krzyzewskiville. I'm talking about changing the basic requirements for participation. Before you're eligible to go to basketball games, you've got to pass the CAT.
The CAT won't be easy; Jim Harrick, Jr., is not teaching this class. (If you didn't get that joke, you should probably start studying for the CAT.) It's supposed to be a rigorous test of general and Duke basketball knowledge, and even real fans should have to review a little bit. I'm talking about a multiple-choice test with questions about rules, basic strategy, ACC basketball teams and Duke Basketball history.
To pass the CAT, you're going to have to know the final score of the Duke-Kentucky regional final in 1992 (104-103). You're going to have to know that Duke won national championships in 1991, 1992 and 2001, and that they beat Kansas, Michigan and Arizona in those title games. You'll be tested on the names and numbers of players with retired jerseys, and you'll be expected to know the coaches they played for.
You're going to have to know the difference between a block and a charge, and what goaltending is. For maximum heckling efficiency, you should be able to recognize some of the referees that work a lot of Duke games by face. (I'm looking at you, Teddy Valentine.) You'll be tested on all 12 ACC schools, and you'll be expected to know the names of their coaches and star players. You get bonus points if you know the name of the star players' girlfriends, and where they like to go out on dates.
Like I said, it's not going to be easy.
But that's not to say that it won't be fair. Everyone will have an equal chance to pass the test-there will be CAT prep courses. Guest speakers could include Coach K, Jay Bilas, Dick Vitale, Grant Hill, Teddy Valentine-the list goes on. Hold the classes Monday nights in Cameron, and make videos available online for those that can't make it.
That way, anyone who wants to go to the games-and I mean really wants to-will be able to. Nothing that isn't covered in class would be on the CAT. But going to the games would require both dedication and a good depth of knowledge about Duke Basketball, not just willingness to wait in a glorified bread line.
So I implore you, Mr. Krzyzewski, tear down that wall!
Alex Fanaroff is a first-year medical student, former co-editor of Towerview and former conductor of the notorious Train.
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