Usually, I know that I've written a controversial column as soon as I'm done writing it. But I never know how controversial it is until I wake up the next morning.
As a general rule, if I wake up and I have an e-mail waiting in my inbox, I know I wrote a very controversial column.
As a more specific rule, if I'm eating lunch and I get a phone call and a threat, I know I just wrote a column about the time that Tyler Hansbrough thrust his face into Gerald Henderson's elbow.
That afternoon, I got an IP relay phone call. IP relay is a fantastic invention that allows deaf people to talk on the phone: They type something to an operator, and the operator dictates the message to the person on the other end of the phone. Unfortunately, IP relay also allows people to creep out student columnists.
"You better watch yourself, Fanaroff," the operator's voice said. "Chapel Hill isn't that far from Durham, and I know where you live."
After I changed my underwear, I decided the person probably wasn't serious. I also decided that they cared way too much about sports and probably had no life.
Anyway, there are two things that being a student sports columnist has taught me. The first is that I'm a terrible prognosticator.
I wrote two columns chastising members of the Associated Press for putting a team other than Duke in the top spot. Both times, these members of the media were the only voters that didn't have Duke No. 1. Both times, Duke didn't win the title. Both times, the team that lone member of the media picked did.
Lest you forget, I'm the guy who started The Train. And while I did get a t-shirt out of it, The Train derailed in the Sweet 16-never making it to its Final Four destination of Indy. The only time I was right was when I started The Anti-Train and predicted Duke Football would finish this season 0-12. But it's not like you had to be a sports columnist to predict that.
The lesson: I'm a moron.
(The corollary to that lesson: You've been reading a moron for two years. Who's the moron now?)
The second lesson has to do with that first lesson: Not only am I a moron, but the Internet allows people to call me a moron (and worse) every time they disagree.
Here are samples from my favorite hate e-mails. If you see yours on here, good work! You are particularly clever!
Written in Carolina Blue font: "YOU SIR, ARE A COMPLETE IDIOT AND IT'S NO WONDER WHY EVERYONE ACROSS THE COUNTRY HATES DUKE AND ALL THEIR ALUMNI/SUPPORTERS. WHY DON'T YOU SAVE US THE TROUBLE DOWN HERE AND JUST STAY UP NORTH AND ATTEND RUTGERS."
"Idiot."
"I am honestly embarrassed for you. You should be ashamed of yourself."
"You are a dope. You should not be involved with work that deals with observing things and then telling other people about them. Swinging elbows in basketball without possession of the basketball is dirty business in basketball." (THREE "basketballs" in one sentence! That's talent.)
"The moron store called, and they are out of you!" (I'm a best-seller at the moron store! That's much better than sitting in the back gathering dust.)
From an LSU fan, regarding The Train: "you are a [bundle of sticks] choo! choo!" (Check your dictionary)
"May the best team win, but you've already proven you're the best flamer out there in the AP." (Note: I'm not a member of the AP.)
"Tell the classless Mr. Fanaroff we in cajun country guess the train got DE-RAILED!!!"
There was also an e-mail that included one particularly ingenious fan's rewording of "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" about Duke's loss to LSU in the Georgia Dome. Unfortunately, it was too long and dumb to include.
The fun thing about e-mail is that people can immediately call into question my sexuality and intelligence without even speaking to me. It's kind of like IP relay, except less creepy. Technology is fun!
Anyway, here are a few things you should know about your hate e-mail. First, I read every e-mail that you send me. It makes me wonder why you're reading a student newspaper, taking the time to look up my e-mail address on Duke's website and sending me an e-mail. Also, I wonder how big a loser someone has to be to send an e-mail to a 21-year-old telling him his opinion about sports is dumb.
If you're sending me an e-mail at 10 a.m., why aren't you at work? Is it because you care entirely too much about sports and got fired? Do you live with your parents?
Second, you don't have to title your e-mail "Very nice article" or "Nice column," especially if you have a UNC e-mail address and I just wrote about how Hansbrough deserved to get hit in the face. I know what's coming. It doesn't get my hopes up.
If you're going to slam me, at least title the e-mail, "What A Poor Excuse of a Human Being," so I can laugh at your terrible use of idioms.
Third, and finally, send me something meaningful. Make a reasoned argument that disagrees with me. Don't just call me a moron. I know that already.
(Yes, I wrote this entire column just to prepare you for my "Let's find a new men's basketball coach" column next week. Why else would I do it?)
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