My Oedipus Mess

Guys, listen up. I think I have some bad news. I recently read something that shook me to my very core. In studies on sexual selection in various species of birds, researchers have found that "if the mother is not present when the young are seeking mates. the bird may simply choose the closest match [to the mother] it can find."

I know, I know, this is a study on birds, not people. But can the findings be applied to human interaction as well? Here at college, where mothers are usually hundreds of miles away, we are continually presented with the opportunity of finding future mates. And just like these birds, as soon as we lose our mothers, we may spend our time trying to find an adequate replacement.

This, to me, is utterly terrifying. It seems to suggest that, at some level, I am bound to find a mate that I deem sufficiently similar to my mother. My whole romantic career is one pre-determined path ending at the girl who is most like the woman who gave birth to me. If that's the case, I quit. Game over. It's not worth trying anymore.

Every guy naturally worries about finding a girl who reminds him too much of his mom. I knew a guy who dumped his girlfriend simply because she had the same name as his mom. If anything, most men seem to be actively trying to find a woman that is the opposite of their moms. Interfaith and interracial relationships are only becoming more and more popular. This desire for a mate that is dissimilar to one's mother seems to be especially prevalent in Jewish men like myself, who all dream of one day capturing the perfect shiksa.

Don't get me wrong; I love my mom. I am convinced she cares about me more than any other person on this planet. That said, there are certain characteristics that my mother possesses that I am not really looking for in my future mate. My mom is over 50, under five feet tall, and can make Stalin look tolerant. She has mastered the cold shoulder and is the indisputable queen of the silent treatment. Furthermore, I have a hard time picturing myself with someone who promptly falls asleep every night at 9:15 p.m.

Thinking about the implications of these findings, however, has led me to a drastic change of heart. I was forced to ponder the dreaded question that every guy must face: Do I want a girlfriend or do I just want a younger, prettier mom? For birds at least, it seems obvious that they just want a new mother. And I have to wonder, as a deep shiver is sent up my spine, whether we are any different.

Sure, a girlfriend is new and exciting, but I doubt anyone other than my mom likes me enough to do my laundry when I am too busy. Not surprisingly, she is also the only person in my life who volunteers to shave my neck for free. But, it's not only that my mom is willing to do things for me that no one else would do. It goes the other way as well. For no one but my mom will I watch an entire romantic comedy or listen to the talking heads on NPR drone on and on and on. I have even been known to tolerate the occasional conversation about interior decorating for my mother.

I now believe that it's not that guys are hoping, subconsciously or otherwise, to create the identical relationship they have with their mother. Instead, they are only looking to find someone who they can form a similar bond with. Because, eventually, I think that guys (and birds) realize that they can do a whole lot worse than winding up with someone like their mothers.