On Tuesday, a decree was put forth: Richard Wagoner, CEO of GM, shalt be thy Graduation Speaker. "Who?" we asked of the faceless "University officials" in charge of the decision. "He's the CEO of a MAJOR company that makes gas-guzzling vehicles, you know, like the Hummer. Oh, and he's also on our Board of Trustees," the voices answered back.
Thank you, voices, we know what GM is, but what we can't figure out is why Duke can't get someone famous/awesome. Really, it's all about the bragging rights because it is highly doubtful that anything he says or does will change our lives. It might make us think for an extra 10 minutes about being good people, but we highly doubt it.
So we came up with some alternate speakers, and then quickly realized that Mr. Wagoner might not be so bad after all.
Kofi Annan:
[Silence.]
Dickie B: Mr. Annan is unable to speak at this time due to illness. He suggests that you talk among yourselves making sure to hit the following points: 1) Some people may say that you are insignificant, but you must believe in your own self-worth; 2) there is value in never raising your voice, even if you are never heard; and 3) who has the better name: Ban Ki Moon or Nane Annan? Yes, I think Nane does too.
Rush Limbaugh:
Greetings Fellow Patriots,
I stand before you not as a man, but as a soldier of democracy. We are warriors of truth, morality, justice and freedom. My ideological brethren, it is our duty to uphold these principles that make America the greatest country in the world. (My apologies to the international students among us today, may democracy be with you-if it isn't already, it will be soon.)
Our time in Durham has been marked by terror; terror from the legal system, the liberal media, the professors. I could go on. We must fight this war to preserve truth, goodness, families, sunshine and puppies. We are not going to cut and run on morality like some here would prefer. We stayed our course, we surged for justice, and for those of us who remained loyal to king. err. country, I must say: Mission Accomplished!
Dennis Kucinich:
Students of Duke University, I urge you to rise against The Man and take a stand. Any stand! I have some suggestions for causes you can embrace: Fight to raise taxes for everybody. Support the movement to drink more fair-trade, organic lattes. Drive a Volvo. Read The New York Times. And for the love of Darwin, embrace Hollywood.
These are the only ways, the only ways to spread your cultural message through all of America. In the meantime, think about staging a protest. And don't worry if it never happens, it's the thought that counts. Actions don't always speak louder than words, because what really matters is that we raise our voices together. In perfect harmony.
Mike Nifong
[Silence]. Hehehe, tough crowd today. I don't know if it was the lacrosse thing, but I really feel like I was the best candidate for graduation speaker.... I'm glad that the people of the Graduation Speaker Committee agree with me. I mean, the fact is, I didn't pick this speaking gig. I didn't pick the time. But I'm going to do it right.
A lot has been said in the press, particularly by some of my opponents, that I should just go away. I'm here to tell you that my presence here means that I am not going away. There is a lesson in all of this: people will always try to deter you from your goals. They'll tell you that you can't do it, that it's wrong, that there is no evidence whatsoever. They'll say that if you continue then you will be subjected to review by an ethics committee.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's not your job to listen to these naysayers. Remember, perseverance always pays off. No exceptions. It's not about making people happy. It's about doing the right thing and being true to yourself. Even if no one else is able to see this truth. Then, at the end, you can always say that you stuck to your guns. And guns are always right. Unlike DNA tests.
James and Joyce know where to find some primo grass-French Science Center. Jessica Ballou and Suparna Salil realized that as the temperature increases, their productivity decreases exponentially.
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