A modest proposal

As you may have already suspected, the authorities here at Duke do not really want you to have a lot of fun. Recently, students have witnessed a massive effort by the administration to cut down on any enjoyable activity. They have increased the number of 8:30 a.m. classes, ended kegs on the quad and neutered tailgate. The reasoning behind all of this, I suppose, would be that the less time we spend killing our livers, the more time we will spend in the library unlocking the mysteries of the universe.

But if the administration really wants students to take schoolwork more seriously, they can't just attempt to end drinking or partying. They must cut off everything that gives us joy or relaxation. Therefore, I think it is necessary that Duke University strictly outlaw all romantic relationships. Recent research has shown that the pleasure that people find in alcohol or drugs is nearly identical to the satisfaction felt in love.

In studying brain activation of people who admit to being "truly, madly and deeply" in love, neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp has found that the neural areas that activate in people who are in romantic relationships are also found in cocaine and opium addicts. Panksepp postulates that romantic relationships are just addictions to another person. In other words, the secretion rate of dopamine (the neurotransmitter most commonly associated with pleasure) is highly similar between people who are simply in love and people who are simply in love with drugs.

Now, I have a friend who could only be called an alcoholic. I also have a friend who has a very serious girlfriend. Often, I have a hard time telling them apart. They seem to spend about an equal amount of time on their passions. My alcoholic friend is constantly apologizing to people that he had insulted or vomited on while drunk, just as my romantic friend seems to be perpetually apologizing to his significant other for not wanting to watch Pretty Woman for the third time this week. My alcoholic friend is always broke, spending all his money on ridiculously priced drinks in bars. My romantic friend is just as poor, spending all his money on nice dinners and pointless gifts. Neither seems to be doing very well in school.

I am sick and tired of watching Duke do nothing to prevent what may be the most destructive addiction of them all: romance. A drastic change is desperately needed. I advocate that while we are enrolled in Duke University, there can be absolutely no romantic involvement with anyone. This would include a ban on Duke's own specialty: the random hookup. As long as we are intent on producing the most impressive, efficient students possible, romance is forbidden. A prohibition on love would only elevate the rank and status of this university. Monks, I remind you, get a lot of work done.

Before you completely disregard my proposal, let me outline the advantages to outlawing love. I, for one, would completely disregard any interest in my own appearance. Within a week, I would make the permanent move to sweatpants. Going to the gym would also be out of the question. Ice cream and Doritos would become my main source for nourishment.

Also, without the possibility of romance, schoolwork would definitely become my top priority. I imagine that without women, I would soon be an expert in quantum physics, master molecular genetics and write the Great American Novel. Within five years, I would be named Time Magazine's "Person of the Year" (again).

Just like alcohol and other drugs, love is a dangerous, dangerous obsession. One minute you think that you are just talking to a nice girl, the next minute you're turning off ESPN to discuss Grey's Anatomy. Before you know it, you're skipping class to plant flowers and spending your Saturday nights at ballroom dancing lessons. All around me, I see people falling victim to love's powerful grasp. It's time that we end romance at Duke before this problem gets even more out of control.