J & J get personal

This weekend we were sitting at home in our pajamas, gorging on potatoes and cheese, and lamenting the lack of Bollywood romance in our lives. Why can't my one true love follow me across three continents and stop my wedding to an evil man? Where's the ballad to accompany my ride on the C-1? And where's my dream sequence in Switzerland? Instead, we're left with dating tragedies that rival the sinking of the Titanic.

For instance, there was the time that Joyce asked out a guy in Econ 51, only to discover that he was 28 years old and politically to the right of Pat Robertson. The date got off to a rocky start when he asked Joyce if she was a "born-again virgin like me." The nadir, however, was when he adamantly refused to eat at International Delights, citing his preference for "Good Ol' Americana."

James has no bad dating stories because he doesn't actually "date." That would be too expensive. The eternal bachelor, James has collected a number of pickup lines that he has actually heard and/or used at Duke. The best include:

"Who is your favorite Sesame Street Character?"

"Here's a piece of West Virginia Coal just for you. In a thousand years you'll have a diamond!"

"Come here, I have to show you something."

And then the classic, "Ummm, I just saw you and ummm, yeah, so, you looked like, so, I mean I thought you were pretty, ummm so I thought, that, you know, and maybe we.. Okay, I can't do this."

As a service to lonely singles at Duke-some famous, others less so-we have decided to write their personal ads for them. We hope these will appear in the Independent, right between "I saw you by the case of Andre at Kroger." and "Man seeks panda for cuddling."

I am He that Aches With Love

A poet's call bursts forth like the clear bell of a lark: "I am he that aches with amorous love; Does the earth gravitate? Does not all matter, aching, attract all matter? So the Body of me, to all I meet, or know." Do these unparalleled words from Whitman's Leaves of Grass not moooove you in their luminous eloquence? From atop my perch as overseer of this Gothic Wonderland, I beg you, oh Scholar, to submit to your unbreakable habit of curiosity and hearken my call.

I'll Spin You Right Round, Baby, Right Round

Five-Feet-of-Fabulous seeks friendly flamenco partner. Also, well-versed in salsa and Ukrainian folk dance. Redheads preferred, especially with beaded rat tails. Can offer economics professorship in exchange. Knowledge of academic affairs, Napoleon a plus.

Looking for a Good Cop

Looking for LTR with someone who is not afraid to exert authority. I like quiet hours and student breaks. I detest bacchanalia, beer, beer bongs, parties, fun in general. Meet at your place, not mine, to ensure peace and solace. Members of law enforcement encouraged. Send correspondence to Crowell Quad, c/o RLHS.

I Like My Endoplasmic Reticulum Rough

Looking for my AUG to turn me on. My friends lichen me to a pleasure agonist, I will excite your synapses. My love will bring you to ecstasy, like 3,4-methylenedioxy-N-methylamphetamine. Will your hormone receptor stimulate my G protein?

To: A Single, Attractive Female.

Re: The Evening of 02/14.

CC: Richard Brodhead, Bob Steele, Larry Moneta

Executive Summary: To achieve Pareto optimality on Valentine's Day, I will:

1. Bring you flowers.

2. Take you to dinner.

3. Invite you back for a nightcap.

4. Seal the deal.

Problem: Present single status viewed negatively by student body.

Criteria: Socially adroit; penchant for free movies, hookah. Must acknowledge my height (I'm 6'4").

Recommendation: Apply to Duke Student Govt., Bryan Center 08.

James and Joyce seriously heard these pick-up lines at Duke. The authors of this column promise to take Jessica Ballou and Suparna Salil out for dinner on Valentine's Day.