It seems Robert Palmer had the right idea. And I don't mean about the red lipstick and cardboard cutouts of guitars.
As someone who forms addictions with frightening speed and agility, I feel qualified in saying that the first few days of a new relationship engender addiction at least as much as a hard run (addicted), an out-of-control beach vacation (addicted) or a love-it size dark chocolate mint ice cream with Oreos from Cold Stone (addic-TED).
Both in humans' subjective experiences and in research on monogamy, our love for another person strikingly resembles addiction. The pleasurable initial rush causes the release of reward neurotransmitters in the same areas of the brain for both sex and drugs-and rock and roll, incidentally-and both cause a gradual dependence that can result in shaking, crying and vomiting upon withdrawal. And very few things on earth have the power to make us act quite so irrational, save, well, other very addictive substances. (Seriously, you need to see me with a bowl of Cold Stone.)
Even thinking about love can create intense cravings and emotions. Merely name a day a national celebration of love, and suddenly you've got to be happy, angry or dejected. Being apathetic about Valentine's Day is like being apathetic about heroin. It's not even an option.
But the love-as-drug hypothesis isn't all bad. The similarities between love and addictive substances can be quite useful, as is already known by every scorned woman who has drowned her sorrows in a bag of mint Milanos.
Addiction obviously doesn't cover everything about love, but it's a close enough substitute that it can provide singles some solace from pathological V-Day emotion.
So, for those of you who are leaning more toward the angry-dejected end of the spectrum (yes, you, hiding behind The Chronicle on that bench), I thought I'd make some suggestions.
Alcohol: This substance is highly addictive to people from all walks of life, which makes it a dangerous, albeit commonly used surrogate for human interaction. Like love, it's possible to overdo it, but in reasonable amounts it provides a physical warmth that's surprisingly similar to spooning.
Stimulants: Nothing makes your heart pound like a new love, except a line of cocaine with a yohimbe-red bull chaser. Additionally, the fear of jail and middle cerebral stroke closely mimics fear of rejection. Sweet!
Chocolate: The veritable methadone of love, chocolate is the first line of defense in love substitution. However, unless you have serious masochistic tendencies, you'll want to avoid the kind that comes in the heart-shaped box.
Sports: Turns out watching or playing sports is addictive, good for you, and not illegal. Who knew? My current recommendations include Duke women's basketball and swimming (you're gonna need your joints when you actually DO meet someone, if you know what I'm saying).
Facebook: Let's be honest, Facebook is as close as most of us are likely to get to crack cocaine in our lifetimes. I mean, sometimes people even meet and start to date over Facebook, I think. You know you're already addicted, so why date one person when you can stalk 10?
As you can see, there are a plethora of options for dealing with love withdrawal on Valentine's Day, thanks to the similarities between love and addiction. So how about you stop moping and get one of those on the way back to your house/dorm room/shack before you succumb to the inevitable Valentine's Day withdrawal symptoms and someone has to scrape you off the traffic circle in front of West.
And if you are one of the lucky few holed up in bed today with your sweetie eating banana pancakes and listening to Jack Johnson, congratulations! Enjoy your human cocaine, and how about you leave some chocolate truffles at Walgreens for the rest of us, mmmkay?
Jacqui Detwiler is a graduate student in psychology and neuroscience. Her column runs every Wednesday.
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