Innocent or guilty? Academics or athletics? George's or Shooters? These are all hotly debated topics on campus, but as I listen to people discuss these questions, only one thought runs through my mind: Blah. Blah. Blah.
There is only one important question in life: flight or invisibility? I first heard this question posed by John Hodgman-the PC in the Mac commercials-on NPR's This American Life.
In the piece, Hodgman records different people struggling to come to a satisfactory conclusion on whether to possess the gift of flight or invisibility.
The segment eventually ends in the wishy-washy, feel-good, introspective way a segment on NPR is supposed to end. Hodgman remains undecided as to which power he would like more.
But that is not why I am here. I am here to tell you that there actually is a correct answer in this debate. Invisibility is the way to go. Any self-respecting, honest, reasonable person must choose invisibility. Unless, of course, you are a fool. Then you can choose flight.
Before I persuade you to choose invisibility, let me lay down the parameters. No matter what you choose, you are the only person in the world with this power. Invisibility is the ability to become transparent at will, including your clothes. However, anything you pick up remains visible and any noise you make is still audible. Choosing flight allows you to soar at any altitude within Earth's atmosphere at speeds up to 1,000 miles per hour.
Now that we have got that cleared up, let me break this down for you more scientifically by addressing some of the important categories in life.
The Opposite Sex:
I start here because this is the only area that I will concede to flight. Let me make this perfectly clear: if you don't think people will sleep with someone simply because you can fly, you're damn crazy. Just look at Carson Daly. The only superpower he possesses is the ability to be incredibly dull (hey-o!).
Now, some of you who have watched a lot of romantic comedies (me), may think "Hey, by choosing invisibility, you could just spy on the girls you like, find out the things they enjoy and then slowly woo her through bringing up these activities in everyday conversation." You would be wrong because that supposes that women are rational beings, which we all know is completely untrue. There you go, flight, you win this round. However, those of you who know me understand why this is not a problem. My game is so air tight, I pull more dimes than a tollbooth.
Friends:
You might think that flight is the life of the party while invisibility is the creepy guy who sits in the corner. And to an extent, this may be true. But think about what life would be like if you actually chose flight. You would, undoubtedly, be a really big deal. Everyone would know who you were, but this isn't necessarily a good thing. It is sort of like James Bond. They say "men want to be him," but they don't say "men want to be friends with him." In other words, James Bond is simply too cool to have any friends.
I believe this problem would extend to flight. Think about the friends you have. Are any of them significantly cooler than you are? Of course not. We don't want to be friends with people who are a lot cooler than we are. We hate people who are a lot cooler than we are. Because your friends don't necessarily have to know that you are capable of becoming invisible, invisibility wins this round by default.
Basketball Tickets:
Choosing flight would mean that you could probably be hooked up with nice seats after shooting an American Express commercial with Coach K ("my life isn't all about literal flight, it's also about the flight we call life").
Still, invisibility has got to win this argument. Imagine showing up as soon as they begin to let students in, turning invisible, and then smugly walking past the "super-psyched" freshman that has been waiting in line since 5:00 a.m. Priceless. Plus, you could actually play in the game if you wanted to! Stealing passes, blocking shots, tripping opponents. The possibilities are endless. Invisibility easily takes this one.
So there you have it. By a score of 2-1, invisibility wins. I just changed your life, but there is no need to thank me.
Jordan Axt is a Trinity sophomore. His column runs every other Friday.
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