JACK's big, fat, obnoxious midterm

Hello, boys and girls! It's about that time of year again, and there'll be no National Championship to get classes cancelled for you. So here's the most important Midterm of your career:

I The News

1) The most dangerous thing to Duke is

A) Lizards

B) The Sweet Sixteen

C) Parking Services

D) Penguins

2) Duke bought up houses off East to

II ARAMARK

3) What does Article 3, section 4 of the contract read?

A) "This covenant is contingent on the University's forced consumption of the purveyor's 'food' stuffs by the youngest of the constituency of same"

B) "All employees, contractors, Agents or other entities of ARAMARK shall reserve wholesale and without restriction the right to so call any student, visitor, or other customer 'Baby' or 'Honey' at such time as same entities shall deem necessary."

C) "Shredded gate arms and medical waste (hereinafter, 'food') shall be provided at or below the national market price for such"

D) "To provide for a happy and industrious work environment, all employees, contractors, Agents or other entities of ARAMARK shall entreat customers with a spoken word 'next' or, on Tuesdays, 'next please' that shall not be more than 0.1 decibels above the threshold of human hearing as shall be established by the United States Bureau of Weights and Measures. Should such an entreaty fail to solicit the next customer in the queue, same entities shall be permitted and encouraged to repeat said entreaty at a volume intended to be audible above the take-off of an aircraft, the tonnage of which is not to be below that of a Boeing 747"

4) What is ARAMARK's motto?

A) "Because your car is in the Blue Zone"

B) "A division of Trask Partnerships, LLC"

C) "Take the money and run"

D) "What's good for ARAMARK is good for the country"

III Fill in the blank

5) What happens on stays on _.

A) thefacebook

B) Central

C) The Z-spot

D) Spring Break

E) Your mom

6) You have to fight for your right to _______________

A) Party

7) An ounce of _ is worth a pound of .

A) Backup power, lizards

B) Latex, ValtrexT

C) Elevator fluid, damage control

D) Clean laundry, dirty laundry companies

E) Weed, dollar coins

6) It costs _________ to get to the shelter, according to the guy by Cosmic who "just got out of jail"

A) $5

B) $10

C) $25

8) Who would the sweetest graduation speaker ever be?

A) A South American neo-socialist

B) Bono

C) JACK BAUER'S BIDET

D) Jack Bauer

E) Pauly

9) Who did we ask DickyB to get us?

A) Grant Hill

B) Sheikha Mozah

C) Meryl Streep

D) Oprah Winfrey

E) all of the above

9) Who is the graduation speaker equivalent of picking up a gift from the gas station on the way to your girlfriend's 21st birthday?

A) Bill Clinton

B) Saddam Hussein

C) Jon Stewart

D) The Governator

E) A former professor

10) How many "final" Chanticleer senior portrait shoots will there be?

A) 1

B) 5

C) 3271,18712

D) e9172.66i

11) Which is the most important part of a DSG electoral platform?

A) No, seriously, we'll get kegs back on campus. I promise. Or else DSG will . . . oh wait

B) Something that's the Union's job

C) Something that's Campus Council's job

D) Something that's IFC's job

E) Discontinuing some program the last guy re-implemented after it was discontinued by the guy before him.

11) DSG elections are . . . [extra credit]

A) Huh?

B) Pointless

C) Rigged

D) The Elliott Wolf invitational

That's all for today. JACK is, shall we say, not trying that hard. But for bonus "humor" feel free to check out the progress of the Duke Tournament of Power, now entering the Sweet 16, at http://dukepower.blogspot.com . JACK might even post an answer key!

JACK BAUER'S BIDET is a man of superhuman strength and capability. Garver Moore, on the other hand, has two midterms and two term projects this week that has nothing to do with the quality of this column.