JACK BAUER'S BIDET had a fairly uneventful week. Of course, there was the odd unwatchable basketball game and a close Young Trustee race in which JACK may or may not have been an also-ran. It's almost enough to ruin Valentine's Day.
JACK BAUER'S BIDET is slightly upset about his snubbing in the Young Trustee race. What's the point of living without a token seat on the Board of Trustees? If a bunch of old guys are going to ignore somebody's views, they might as well ignore JACK's.
JACK would like to congratulate Brandon Goodwin on shoring up the good-old-boy vote on the Board. So here goes: Brandon, good win. Never underestimate the Duke electoral draw of being white, wealthy, male, arch-conservative, southern and a Pike. Sorry, Russ Ferguson. Five out of six just won't cut it.
With great power, however, comes great pick-up lines. This, of course, was JACK's original motivation for running. What woman could resist an offer to sit on JACK's Board of Trustees?*
That said, JACK BAUER'S BIDET would like to make some open suggestions for Goodwin's term on the Board. JACK hopes our new representative will adopt these planks from JACK's platform/pirate ship.
Eruditio
Students intending to enter or apply for medical school will be graded on a separate basis from normal people. JACK BAUER'S BIDET is sick of competing directly with these freaks of nature. This policy will free people with friends from being graded against students willing to do anything for the better grade, including sleeping with the professor, cheating, checking out all the course reserves for months at a time, completing assignments before the due date and studying.
Religio
Trinity and Pratt will be formally married in the Chapel. The official religion of the University will then be Christian Science. As a cost-cutting measure, the hospital and Divinity school will be merged.
Logistics
Traffic circles shall be the official method of transport for the University. Roads shall be replaced with a series of arbitrarily long chained connections of Venn diagrams. Buses will drive around their own designated traffic circle, picking students up at one end and dropping them off at the other. Students will then board the neighboring bus and repeat the process until they arrive at their destination.
Labor
Children. If the supply of children is insufficient, then Angelica shall be contracted to fill the remainder of the University's labor requirement.
Diversity
At the beginning of each semester, all students will be encased in a layer of chocolate. Only then can we be truly colorblind, unified and delicious.
Trinity
Every A&S course must have 10 engineers. These engineers may, at any time, call a vote amongst themselves of "this is unbridled intellectual masturbation." Upon a successful vote, the instructor will commit seppuku or risk losing tenure.
Pratt
Every engineering course must have 10 A&S students. These students' heads may, at any time, explode.
Tenure
Professors up for tenure will prove their worth by knife-fighting Diane Nelson in the Octagon of Eternity.
Athletics
Ted Roof's contract will include a $10-million incentive rider for successfully helping the football team "find its balls."
Student Activities
Students for Academic Freedom will be required to change its name back to the Duke Conservative Union. The Progressive Student Alliance will be required to get a job and stop whining.
Alcohol
Any student wishing to consume alcohol must submit a notification form to the Office of Student Activities and Facilities no later than seven business days in advance. They will then meet with their Residence Coordinator to discuss clean-up, set-up and chaser selection. A Summary of Meeting form must then be submitted back to OSAF and signed by the student's OSAF advisor, academic dean, Dr. Moneta and President Brodhead. Upon the completion of the Signature Collection Form, OSAF will permit the relevant consumption of alcohol and return the student's baby brother. A follow-up meeting must be held no later than four days following the consumption event.
Mascot
A vote will be held to determine if "The Blue Devils" needs to be changed to "The Bee and Stray Cat," "The Effete New England Establishment Pseudo-Intellectuals," "The Popped Collars," "The Ugg Boots," "The David Horowitz Experience" or "The Fighting Chuck Norris."
JACK BAUER'S BIDET hopes these ideas see more adoption than his love-child with Nan, JACKerl BAUErholser KeoDET.
- At the time of this writing, exactly 72 women have resisted such an offer. Their resistance was not by any stretch of the imagination futile.
JACK BAUER'S BIDET is the invented character of a pseudo-journalistic syndicate of indeterminate age, sex, race and membership-until next week. Comments about the column should be directed to jackbauersbidet@gmail.com.
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