It's just about here-springtime at Duke. In most places spring is a time for rebirth, rejuvenation, and of course some hot squirrel-on-squirrel action. But Durham typically does spring a little differently than most.
Springtime at Duke means a lot of things. It's going to get really cold and probably snow. Cameron Crazies will wake up the day after the Carolina game and realize that being on TV isn't worth six weeks of going to the bathroom in Wilson Recreation Center. A fine yellow powder will coat every car in the town, and once again add validity to my claim that trees are a-holes. And finally, Duke students will have to start thinking about where they want to live next year.
As everyone knows, Duke makes students live on campus for at least three years. Nobody really knows why this is, but there is a good chance it has something to do with the fact that it's hard for Duke to ticket your car if you are not actually parked on campus.
But regardless of what sinister motivations are behind this inane policy, the fact still remains that choosing housing is an inevitable part of every underclassmen's spring semester.
Although I really can't do anything about the inevitable snow and freezing rain, and I can't help with the pollen because those darn commie, hippy libs who run Duke won't let me cut down all the trees, I can help all those confused and soon-to-be-homeless Duke underclassmen figure out what door they should hang their whiteboards on next year.
So in the spirit of being helpful and because my online blog "jk grdznsky" has not exactly been well received (apparently it's hard to make generalizations about girls at Duke when you don't actually know any), I have decided to list some of the pros and cons of the various housing options on campus.
Few Quad: Few is definitely one of the better places on campus to live. Its proximity to the main quad has always made it one of the more desirable places to live on West. But the Kappa Alpha and Alpha Epsilon Pi fraternities are in such close proximity to each other that full on inter-HH warfare is always a constant threat. Another problem with living in Few is the nightly 4 a.m. wake ups from the stampede of overachievers walking back to Edens from Bostock.
Edens: If you can get over the smell and the constant threat of being urinated on by drunken lacrosse players, Edens really is not that bad of a place to live. The rooms are not bad and the walk to classes will take care of that freshman 15 in no time at all. Female students beware though. With frats like Delta Sig, Sig Ep and Chi Psi in such close proximity, there have been rumors of STDs getting transferred right through the walls.
Crowell: Never heard of it.
Craven: Since it is close to both classes and parking, Craven is a convenient place to live. However, living there does have some drawbacks. Ever since the Dekes moved in, things have gotten complicated. It all started when they instituted monthly elections of quad presidents, board members, ambassadors, secretaries and security advisors (all of which were won by Russ Ferguson who ran unopposed). Then came the controversial quad-patriot act, in which wire-tapping and random quad-wide drug tests (much to the chagrin of the Betas) was imposed by the Dekes. The 800-page act also made Tuesday though Sunday official pastel days, during which wearing pastels and popping collars was encouraged.
Kilgo: If you are like me and find the sound of jackhammers to be especially comforting, this is the place for you. You may never actually get a chance to see the new BC walkway, but the sounds of it getting built will surely haunt you for the rest of your days. Make sure you bring some Febreze-they don't call it Brownstone for nothing.
These are just a few of the many places you can live on campus. If my descriptions still have you confused over where to live, don't worry about it-chances are you're all going to end up in Edens anyway.
I, for one, have got it all figured out. I'm living in an RV next year in the Blue Zone. Yep, $200 dollars for the whole year, and once I get one of those spaces in the front lot, I'm not moving for anybody. Best of all, I can finally live out my fantasy of spraying the entire tailgate with my own waste.
Jake Grodzinsky is a Trinity junior. His column runs every other Tuesday.
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