Divining the future

So three guys go to a bar. One's black, one's Jewish, and one's Hispanic. The black guy orders a beer; the Jewish guy orders some Manichewitz; and the Hispanic guy orders a margarita. They drink their beverages and have some great stimulating political conversation, promptly pay, and leave the bar. A good time was had by all.

JACK BAUER's BIDET has been going to a lot of basketball games recently. Apparently, getting in no longer requires any significant wait. All you have to do to get a spot is incite-or defend yourself against-an uninformed, drunk, pushy mob. It's time for the line monitors to treat us like N.C. State students. Don't assume we've read the policies.

Assume we're illiterate.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I feel comfortable having JACK mock NCSU for two reasons.

A) They can't read, so won't be able to get mad, and

B) The Daytona 500 just happened, so their attention is diverted, and

C) I can spot a drive-by shooting a mile away, especially when it comes via tractor, and

D) I'd tell them to "bite me," but

But trouble be brewing in the Blue Devil Nation. According to the right Honorable Mr. Shavlik Randolph, Chairman of the Association of Former and Present Duke Power Forwards, "We need to add a new NCAA stat. Point guards have had assists and turnovers tracked for some time now-it's time for us to keep track of screens set for shooting guards. Nick Horvath, me, Josh McRoberts-we'd have a double-double career average, too. Hell, we might be able to leave for the draft obscenely early."

Speaking of conspiracies, JACK BAUER'S BIDET finished Sudoku a little early and rather than attend class, decided to read Stephen Miller's column this week. Whoops. Stephen, JACK just wants you to know, the liberal faculty hiring bias, evidenced by ratio of liberal faculty, is the least of our worries as a University. Based on the higher male-female ratio in engineering, it's clear that Dean Kristina Johnson hates women.* And let's not forget the NCAA officiating bias toward Duke-after all, we make more free throws than our opponents attempt.

Actually, JACK'S glad to see Miller focusing his time on finding a conservative cultural anthropologist. JACK remembers Miller's ill-fated personal crusades last semester to rename the "French Science Center" the "Freedom Science Center," and to accredit the degree of Master's in Intelligent Design.

JACK actually knows the future of the University, and suffice it to say that JACK's suspicions are dead-on:

A) The Primate Center was, in the end, our final undoing, and

B) Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of blood.

While we've got it out, let's take a look-see into JACK's crystal ball:

JACK + I-BANKING + WIFE + 15 YEARS =

JACK BAUER'S BIDET: "Good Morning, honey!"

MRS. BAUER'S BIDET: "Good Morning."

JBB: "Yes, that it is." [Lights pipe, drains bottle next to bed] Jesus, I need another martini."

MBB: "I need another face lift."

JACK BAUER'S BIDET, JR.: "I need a scotch."

JBB: "OK, but just because it's your sixth birthday."

JBBJ: "Johnny Blue, neat. Make it a double."

JACK + TEACH FOR AMERICA + FORMERLY BOHEMIAN GIRLFRIEND + 15 YEARS =

JACK: "Oh God, not another day. Kill me now! I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THESE @%!# KIDS."

FBG: "At least we have each other."

JBB: "Oh God, oh God, oh God." [Starts crying]

FBG: "You're part of America's future-Doesn't that mean something?"

JBB: "But possessions-we have NONE. I haven't qualified to pay income taxes since my internship junior year of college."

FBG: "We have each other."

JBB: "Quit saying that-what does that even mean? Oh God, we're so poor. Oh God, oh God, oh God."

FBG: "Isn't this what you wanted?"

JBB: "No, I did it for Goldman and Bain. Remember the fliers?"

FBG: "Well, then, apply there. They agreed, didn't they? That Teach For America was the way to go?"

JBB: "I talked to a guy at Goldman yesterday, actually."

FBG: "How'd that go?"

JBB: "He laughed, kicked me in the groin and defecated on me."

FBG: "That's horrible!"

JBB: "No, that's tonight's dinner. OH GOD, WE ARE SO POOR!"

MELINDA FRENCH + BILL GATES + 15 YEARS =

BILL: "Good morning, Time Magazine Woman of the Year."

MELINDA: "Good morning, Time Magazine Man of the Year."

B: "Same bet as always? I'll make more money today than you can give away?"

M: "Standard wager?" [Removes crisp dollar bill from nightstand]

B: "Let's make it interesting."

M: "Okay. If I win, Duke gets another science center."

B: "Agreed. And if I win, we have a kid."

M: "Agreed."

MELINDA'S OVUM: "Fertiliiiizzzzeeee meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

B [to Ovum]: "You do realized how completely f----d up your life is going to be, don't you?"

MO: "Whaaaaaaat doooo youuuu meeeeeeeean? Areeeeeee weeeeeeee riiiiiicher than Steeeeeeeve Jooooooobs?"

B: "Yes."

MO: "Whooooooo's riiiiiicher thaaaaan uuuussss?"

B: "Nobody."

MO: "Arreeee weeeeee noooouuuuvvveauuu riiiiiiiiche?"

B: "Most certainly."

MO: "Nooooooooooooooo! IIIII'llll haaaaaaaveeeeeee tooooo gooo tooooooooo Duuuukeeeeee."

B: "It's worse than that."

MO: "Princetooooon?"

B: "I'm afraid so."

MO: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOO!"

Nannerl: "Yes. The force is strong in you, my little one. Come to the dark side."

JACK BAUER'S BIDET congratulates Nan on her decision to stay at Princeton and hopes she's glad at the place she always wanted Duke to be.

*SUMMERS'D

JACK BAUER'S BIDET is the invented character of the Duke League of Evil. The League is chaired by Garver Moore and meets Tuesdays at Red Lobster on 15-501.