I missed out on writing about my favorite holiday of the year. But I still wanted to say that whether spent with your family or drunkenly threatening teenagers at Waffle House at 3 a.m., Thanksgiving is always magical. Now, since I have to settle for writing about the festival of commercialism they call Christmas, I present my Christmas wish list:
I want the Duke Conservative Union to ask for a disclaimer on Stephen Miller's column: "The views represented by this columnist in no way reflect those of the DCU, conservatives in general or anyone else for that matter. We are crazy, but not that crazy."
I really think Elliott Wolf is onto something with his proposed opt-in online rankings of professors. However, what I really want is some system that allows you to actually go to a class for a couple of weeks at the beginning of the semester and see if you like it. At the end of that time you can either stay in the class or get out of it. We could call it Stay or Go or Drop or Add or something like that.
I would like a job for next year, obviously. Then I could go back to partying all the time and not feeling guilty about it. "Will drinking this extra beer help me find gainful employment in the future?" A question for the ages, one that is so complicated that I end up needing a beer to relax after contemplating it.
I would like to be diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder in time for exams. I could use some Adderall for the upcoming paper crunch, and selling the leftover pills would give me some extra money for Christmas presents.
While we are on the subject of drugs, I would like two bags of grass, 75 pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine and a whole multi-colored collection of uppers, downers, laughers and screamers. Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls. Christmas break in Alabamy can be a tad boring.
I wouldn't mind a bonus tailgate. I know Sig Ep already tried this (though I have no clue if they succeeded or failed, so I will assume failure for the purposes of this list), but there is no way that one frat can duplicate the egalitarian, almost democratic atmosphere of tailgate. Someone could easily devise a location and excuse for a tailgate-style party, but only the University has the impartial clout to host such a shindig. So if DSG really wanted to help the students, they would just cordon off some asphalt and watch the spontaneous beauty that springs up. (To plagiarize Tupac: "A rose grew from the blacktop in the Blue Zone.")
I wish I was sure that I had fulfilled all of my graduation requirements.
To paraphrase my academic advisor: "I hope you know about the University requirements, because I don't have a clue." True story. Then he proceeded to misinform me about major requirements and not have my pin, forcing me to register late. Glad I had to ask that guy whether or not my schedule was okay.
I wish I had more time at this school. This place grows on you after awhile, but by that time you are a junior and the real world is looming. The resources and opportunities that are offered here are complemented perfectly by the lack of interest most of us have in doing them or really anything at all.
When I think about how many clubs, organizations, sports, activities and the like I did in high school and then think about how I did absolutely nothing for three years here-well, I hope I was just burned out from all the work in high school, and I didn't undergo a paradigm shift in productivity.
Last but not least, I want to come back and still have my stuff in my house.
I love living in a house off of East, but I guess I didn't realize it entailed getting burglarized (twice so far). I guess unless I take the time to move everything out of my house and into storage for break, Santa Claus is going to come early for that guy who steals bikes or the guy who asks me for cigarettes every time I go outside.
Bah, humbug.
Joe Cox is a Trinity senior. His column runs every other Friday.
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