We are VAN-I--LLI! Get up everybody and sing!
I hate the end of the semester. Everyone gets stressed out and stops having fun. The real tragedy of it all is that, if the girls at Duke are in a situation anything like mine, they haven't had time to do laundry in weeks and all ran entirely out of underwear about three days ago.... But nobody hooks up because we're all too busy being distracted from writing our 20-page term papers by thinking of how badly we want to hook up. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the only guaranteed way to really get women to fall all over you at this time of year is to either be gay or be John Cusack. Since he hasn't responded to any of my e-mails requesting his participation in the world's second-ever human face transplant, I'm thinking that maybe my best plan for feeling anybody up this week is to "come out."
I don't really know a lot about gay culture, though, so for research I went to see Rent this weekend, where I discovered that nobody ever works in New York; they just hang around wearing scarves and dancing uninhibitedly. This all got me thinking that writing a blockbuster musical might not be a bad way to generate the fame and fortune I'm entitled to. So the past couple days I've been doing my research on what makes a successful musical by re-watching Rent, Les Miserables and Chicago and have decided that Elitist Extremists: Duke, the Musical will be a hit. It's got poor people (hey, it still counts as poverty if you started the semester with tons of cash and have just spent it all on beer), a waifish yet spunky heroine (I've got a heart full of love for Dean Sue) and a sexy, mostly naked chorus line (Duke men's swim team). All I need to do is include a couple of heart-wrenching ballads like "God I Adore You, Southern Pecan" and "Remember the Days of Kegs on the Quad," both of which are sure to be tearjerkers. Plus I know the music's all going to be awesome because I've already got J.J. signed on to write the lyrics. I figure I'll have plenty of time to work on the show, since we've got such a nice long reading period this semester....
Of course, the size of the hole I'm in regarding work right now probably won't stop me from going out to watch the game at Varsity Ale House tonight. In my bi-annual room-cleaning procrastination extravaganza I discovered not only the standard Post-It notes with messages too old to decipher, piles of "To Do" lists which never got done and at least two socks which can't possibly be mine, but also three dollars and thirty two cents in change. With the disappearance of all food points and a WANTED sign which my parents posted in the Bursar's office preventing me from adding more to my FLEX account, this money should keep me in sandwiches for at least a few hours. Then I'll just have to resort to trolling in front of Cosmic Cantina asking for money "to stay at the shelter tonight."
It's fun to stay at the-
MILLI
Hey MILLI,
I'm really excited about the holiday season, actually-not because I'll get the long break to go home, but because of all of the new study break opportunities that will present themselves. During no other week does Duke care about me so much-they give me free coffee, free e-print, free massages, and I'm pretty sure on the corner of Towerview and Science Drive they were pimping out free hookups. I'm not quite sure where they got the girls, but there's a large possibility that it was the administration's latest attempt to initiate a dating culture on campus.
Actually, I'm looking forward to the entirety of finals week, given that I have only one exam which is, of course, on Saturday. This might give me time to do all the meaningful things at Duke that I've been planning to do all semester, including but not limited to: a staring contest with "the mask" in Nasher, soaking up the glory of a multimillion-dollar glass pavilion that they stuck between three buildings and streaking through the Dean of Students' Office Holiday Party.
In the meantime, I've discovered I can only think in equations after so many hours of studying MATH 2903x: The Knowledge in Steven Hawking's Right Pinky And Totally Sweet Things His Wheelchair Can Do.
Given:
Campus atmosphere during finals transforms into the one they promote in the admissions booklet
As time -> time(finals week),
(Quad-sponsored study breaks)-> infinity.
(Free Time)/(alcohol-sponsored study breaks)=1.
This semester's GPA -> 0.
S(social functions)=S(potential hook-up opportunities) -> 0.
P(students needing "physically stimulating" study breaks) -> 1.
(My chances of doing well on my Bio exam) is proportional to 1/(time Kevin Fang studies)
S(people you've never seen before in the library that are now there) > S(excuses I can conjure up to not go to my "Robot Appreciation" group- project meeting in Bostock)
"Protect It" + "Close It" + "Pair Up" = Safety signs on Central Bus = World AIDS Day Suggestions
As (length of this proof) >
(My net cool factor) + (Your opinion of me) -> 0.
S(people pissed off by Stephen Miller) -> infinity.
P(Homework = completed) = 0
QED,
Vanilli
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