Hey VANIZZILINITIZZLE
A little stressed right now: I've got this gigandronormoustrosity of a paper due in my Geography of Canada class, but I had to take my laptop to OIT a couple weeks ago and have my doubts that I will ever see it again. I was so excited this morning because I got the magical "You have a package" email, but instead of a surprise care package or a bottle of Absinth from my friend in Prague it turned out to be a big envelope containing only my Compaq's ESC key and a ransom note. Apparently to get it back intact I need to give them $200, my first-born son, my competitive 53-piece Accumulated Thongs collection (second only to Superprep's) and my commemorative piece of the AgroCragâ,¢, which I am frankly unwilling to part with.
So now to finish this paper I have only an overcrowded Perkins computer cluster. I took some handwritten pages out to the main quad so I could work while admiring the scenery (reasons I love North Carolina: #1-girls still suntanning in bikinis the week before Thanksgiving), but they blew all over in the wind, and I had to run around all crazy-like trying to catch them in front of the chicks tabling for freshmen to sign up for sorority rush. On West. Someone here is not taking enough MMS classes.
Of course, instead of finishing this paper, I could choose an illness to fake. Things that might be both reasonable and possible:
Psychosomatic disorder brought on by empathetic depression. Plain terms: my roommate hasn't gotten any in weeks and he is totally sucking me into his black hole of fun.
Scurvy: Before I got to Duke I thought that only pirates get this from being on ships for years. But then I catalogued everything I have eaten this past semester, and the list includes only beer, grits, Cattleman's and stale Poptarts. (No, there is no Vitamin C in anything "fruity" you get from Duke vending machines). Shiver me timbers.
Avian flu. Maybe my best option, because if my pretense goes well enough I bet I can get fall semester cancelled and all of us sent home, whereupon people will buy me drinks for the rest of my Duke career, and we shall have a parade in my honor. And we'll play songs like Freebird, and I will preside as Grand Marshal and lead the Mighty Ducks chant as we celebrate. Quack. Quack! QUACK!
Pregnancy-I heard from this one girl I hooked up with that you get the entire semester off for this one.
But hey, I just realized that there's an excuse form I can fill out online and sign without even having to go in to the doctor. Score!
Letting my conscience guide my decisions,
MILLI
Hey MILLI!
So my basketball, football and world chess fantasy teams are totally dominating right now, and it occurred to me that I could make an all-star team of Duke superheros to serve and to protect the lives of Duke students. Because when was the last time ROTC or DUPD or DSG stepped up to wage war against the Evil Forces that oppress the student body?! cough cough parking cough cough
The Sweetastic Coolest Amazing Awesomeness Team of Champions of Life League
SuperAlpineMixMasterMan-great soundtracks. You're right, I forgot that the first rap song I had learned all the words to WAS the theme from "Dangerous Minds." Good call.
Rolly-who has the power of incomprehensible jokes. WHO ARE YOU?
McD's Man(ager) Rafael Perez-kills his enemies with kindness (and cholesterol). If this was Captain Planet, he would totally be the "Heart" kid with the squirrel.
"Dr. G"-known only to the "Enginerd" population, he uses the power of his mind to make computers bow to his every whim and program students to worship him. As long as he uses these powers for good, and not for evil-.
The person inside the Blue Devil mascot- his body-surfing Superhuman balance must come in handy for standing on the East-West bus without having to clutch the railings.
As a team, they'd definitely ride around in the Shooters Party Bus. And with their powers combined, they'll fight the dark forces of Duke's Supervillain: The Fire Marshal. Think about it. Why do parties get shut down? Fire code violations. Why couldn't people see Powell? Fire code violations. Why aren't we allowed to freely burn any and all furniture we desire after Duke wins basketball games? . . . reasonable expectation that we'll probably want to sit on that couch in the future. But still, he's an evil genius who is clearly out to get us.
Of course, if I could have a few superpowers, I'd totally want (1) the power to figure out which way the BC doors open, (2) the capacity to transport myself from my apartment to CIEMAS without the painful Central bus ride in between and (3) the ability to make myself taller than the people directly in front of me at basketball games (and that "Crazy Towel Freshman" with the sign-dude, you're not going to get on TV!).
With truth, justice and the American way,
VANILLI
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