Breathe easy, because the greatest danger to student life on campus has been averted. What's that? Did the administration finally put some heat on ALE for out-and-out harassment of students? Did Larry Moneta finally realize that the sole purpose of tailgate is to get wasted?
No, but the University did find a solution to the tabling problem. Whew.
Thanks to the construction of the new plaza and the destruction of the BC walkway, a capella groups, minority cultural groups and the blood drive were left with no place to hawk CDs, sell tickets and guilt students into donating bodily fluids. They tried tabling outside the side entrance to the BC. But by simply holding their cell phones over the correct side of their faces (left going in, right going out) most students were able to never have to look the tablers in the eye.
The old BC tabling format featured people on both sides of the walkway-students were obligated to look at the pleading faces of the people who marginally gave a damn. Without actual person-to-person guilting, the entire tabling enterprise was on the verge of collapse.
Without tabling, ASA, BSA, Mi Gente, DIYA and all other cultural groups would largely not be able to promote Lunar New Year, Awaaz, step shows and other cultural events to non-minorities on Duke's segregated campus. Further, without tabling, a whole class of students might miss out on buying Blazing Sea Nuggets books, "DARE to challenge the drug policy" shirts and other priceless knickknacks that remind you of activities that you didn't do in college.
However, just when I thought that I wouldn't be able to complete my set of "Speak of the Devil A Capella Covers of Pop Songs," the administration came through big and decided to allow tabling in front of the West Campus Union. This move should give motivated students the necessary space to creatively badger all the non-motivated students into doing things simply to get them to stop talking to us.
But I wonder, did the administration go far enough? I mean, as a senior living off-campus, I only have to walk by the Union building if I am tempted by Chick-Fil-A or Alpine. I wonder if perhaps there might be a more suitable locale that would guarantee that the vast majority of the student population would be confronted by the tablers.
What about the space in front of the benches by the West Campus bus stop? I'll admit that I didn't come up with the idea, as I fondly remember seeing a couple of fraternities put on hilarious skits, pretending to be a lifeguard or a bear in that space.
It seems perfect. Everyone that needs or wants to go between campuses has to walk past the bus stop. All freshmen, seniors living off East, students living on Central, philosophy, history, music or art majors would be obligated to choose between signing up to give blood and admitting that they really don't care how many lives it saves. It is taking time out of your life to get a shot. Plus, while people wait for the bus, the tablers would be able to convince them of the necessity of their causes.
"Yo, buy a $10 Sigma Nu York shirt, $2 goes to Hurricane Katrina Victims."
I would like to see someone pretend to talk on their cell phone over such an impassioned plea as that!
Also, since the bus stop is now a quarter of a mile from the BC, the administration needs to figure out a way to facilitate tablers who may not have the will to carry a table from the BC. I mean, does anyone think that Students for a Sensible Drug Policy are really going to be able to carry a table past the Alpine without stopping for munchies?
I propose either building a shed by the bus stop to house the tables, or hiring several strapping local men to serve as "Tabling Facilitators." In this way, the University will not only support campus clubs but also provide a few extra jobs for the community.
Or even better, the University could just go ahead and buy all those CDs, shirts and tickets and allow us to go to the ATM or lunch in peace.
Joe Cox is a Trinity senior. His column runs every other Friday.
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