Four gifts for someone you hate

A Segway

Three criteria that make up a horrible idea for a gift: George Bush falls off it, Duke Police ride it, and The Campus Beat makes fun of it. Yep, the Segway is probably the worst transportation ever. Shell out your money for a bike. Or a broken down car. Or a Razor Scooter. One ride on one of these, and you can kiss your social standing goodbye. Which, of course, makes it the perfect gift to give someone whose life you want to ruin.

Soul Plane

It’s a bird, it’s a plane! It’s a… soul plane. And it’s the worst thing to come to the silver screen since, well, any film in its genre. The plot: a man wins an incredible settlement from an airline company. With his newfound cash, he neither gives it to charity nor stores it in a college fund for possible future children. Instead, he creates an African-American airline business. Complete with scantily-clad stewardesses, Snoop Dogg and the predictable barrage of racist humor, Soul Plane proves to be a plane wreck. If you’re looking for the perfect movie for your stalker or ex-lover, here it is. For just $22, tell someone that you never want to see him again.

Barbra Streisand: A Christmas Album

The album kicks off with an upbeat rendition of “Jingle Bells,” which involves her nearly screaming “Jingle Bells Jingle Bells Jing-Jangle” over an array of varied obnoxious instruments. If you grew up with your parents playing this album during the holidays, then go give them a “Jing-Jangle” and kick them in their shins. Or, better yet, if you hate your parents and they don’t have this album, give it to them and take cover.

Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi and Amanda Mayer Stinchecum

Did you know that everyone poops? It’s truly an epiphany. Well, if you didn’t, one can safely assume that this book didn’t grace your eyes and ears as a young, impressionable child. If this is the case, then you ought to read it. It’s really an eye-opening experience. In the book, we learn that every living thing defecates, and it comes complete with pictures as well. It’s the perfect gift to give that little snotty kid you babysit. Or that incredibly stupid person in your biology for non-majors class.