This is the year

Okay, so before I say what I’m about to say, I will remind everyone that I have not gone off the deep end, I have not been paid to write this and I have not been experimenting with PCP. Oh yeah, and I am not a fan of the Boston Red Sox.

In October 2004, the Red Sox will win the World Series.

To say I’m going out on a limb is like saying Marketplace meals aren’t worth the $10 price tag. The last time they won was so long ago that the Treaty of Versailles was not even signed yet. The last time they were on the brink, a first baseman with more wear and tear than Evel Knievel put the last touches on a comeback reserved for Little Leaguers. Last year they blew a 5-2 lead in game seven of the ALCS because a little boy named Pedro convinced his mom to let him play for 10 more minutes.

So why do I think they can do it this year?

First and foremost, the Sox are by far the best all-around team in baseball. Check it: they rank first in all of baseball in runs scored, and their team ERA is second in the American League. Teams hope to face the 1-2 punch of Curt Schilling and Pedro Martinez like I want to go a round with Lennox Lewis. The team has been so hot (30-10 since Aug. 1) that they could send you up to the plate and you would crack it over that tall green wall they have in left field.

The other reason is more of the metaphysical variety. It is because the organization and the fans are not fearing the curse, but attacking it. The general manager looks more like a frat boy than a baseball executive, yet he had the balls to trade Nomar because Boston needed fielding. The fans are no longer worried about playing the Yankees in the postseason-–they want to play that bleeping team.

Let’s play a little numbers game while we’re out here having fun. It has been 86 years since the Red Sox last won the World Series, and then proceeded to trade Babe Ruth. The Great Bambino. The Sultan of Swat. The Colossus of Clout (if you haven’t seen The Sandlot you haven’t lived). 1986 was the last time they were in the World Series against my beloved Mets (I know, I suck), and they went down tragically in games six and seven. As I look at the current standings on Monday afternoon, it just so happens that the win total next to Boston reads 86. I know there have been cases, in particular one case circa 1995 (the defendant’s name escapes me) in which evidence this strong has not held up, but this 86 theory is just too brilliant, right?

My best friend Grove is the biggest Red Sox fan I know. Last year, after the conclusion of game seven of the ALCS, I had to hold him back from clocking some random drunk front-runner, I mean Yankees fan, who was bragging about Aaron Boone. Grove and I have agreed to put our lives on hold and go to Boston if the Sox are on the verge of winning the World Series—regardless of what exams we may have or which hotties beg us to stay—because it is going to be pandemonium to say the least.