Next year I am running for Duke Student Government president. And this is not an April Fool's Day joke. Those professional undergraduate politicians should get over themselves--I'd beat them any day.
Pasha Majdi and Anthony Vitarelli sound like a duo from a Marvel comic book. These two wonderful characters, who didn't fail to mention in every interview that they have been best friends since freshman year, were the only people running in last Tuesday's race. Just like America will be ruled by a Yale Skull for another term (regardless of the outcome of the November elections), Duke was inevitably going to have a Campus Council bureaucrat heading DSG.
But March 2005 will be my finest hour. The campaign will be revolutionary. Let me outline my tentative platform.
If you elect me, I vow I will not attend a single meeting. I will appoint a bunch of my friends to my cabinet, and they too will refrain from attending any sort of official function.
Or, better yet, if you offer me money or sexual services, I'll appoint you.
Duke Student Government is a useless organization. Moreover, changing it or making it more efficient is utterly impossible. This year, no one who knows the organization from within was even running for the presidential position. If that's not a red flag, I don't know what is.
Most Duke students realize that DSG is not worth their time. The voter turnout, despite ridiculously easy online voting, was again pathetically low. If I could get every single one of you who hates DSG to vote for me, my constituency will be so impressive that even Moneta and Brodhead would have to bow down to my authority.
But they wouldn't need to. I'd let them go ahead and do what is necessary for Duke.
I also vow that I will dissolve DSG at the end of my term. We do not need it, and it gulps up significant resources that could be put to better use. Without DSG, $140,000 would have ended up in our societies, clubs and organizations instead of in some accounting gap. And this 140 grand is just the bling they didn't even bother to spend. What about all the money that is being wasted on actually running the mammoth organization?
Campus Council can give input to the administration, and the Union can take care of student activities. Life would continue as usual, and we wouldn't have to read about DSG in The Chronicle.
Duke would be one step closer to the ideal university.
Some of you might object that even though DSG isn't doing the best job, student input in administrative decisions is crucial. A few things deserve to be said in response.
First, administrators know how important students are at a university, and will not fail to weigh our interests in the absence of something called Student Government.
Second, DSG is often used to legitimize policy decisions, while they don't represent even the smallest fraction of students. If students could rally in the Allen Building without being told to talk to DSG about their concerns, we would see more tangible results. The campaign for ethical investment has proven as much.
Third, I am not so sure that student opinion can always be trusted. If you ask your average Blue Devil if the amount of reading should be cut in half across the board, he or she would holler YES! Moreover, 50 percent of us would be classified as seriously psychologically disturbed anywhere outside the Gothic Wonderland. Do we really want our University to be run by the lazy and the schizophrenic?
Fourth, administrators have a much larger investment in our beloved University than students do. Not only do they stay here longer, and are able to see the larger picture, they also have more life experience. So far, Nan and friends have done a pretty good job without a functioning DSG.
Fifth, as I mentioned before, we will always have Campus Council. This organization has truly matured under Pasha and Vitarelli. Sadly, they naively assumed they could do the same for DSG.
Just because a doctor can cure someone from syphilis, it doesn't follow that he can save a patient with AIDS. I am confident that nothing will change over the course of next year. Next March, let me put an end to the sad spectacle called Duke Student Government.
I can see one downside to my plan. Without DSG and its endless list of legislators, committee members and other drones, Duke would lose a significant generator of resume padding.
But that is a hit I am willing to take.
Like any good politician, let me conclude with a summary of what I stand for. I will completely neglect DSG when elected. At the end of my term, I will officially dissolve the institution.
Of course, all of this is quite far into the future. I will use the next couple of months to build up a think tank to support my campaign. I'll need to get myself a good spin-doctor. I will design t-shirts. And bumper stickers would be nice...
Read my lips: No more DSG!
But for now, you guys are stuck with a president who no one endorsed, while I am sipping on a Daiquiri on a beach in Cape Town. Let's give Pasha--"Anthony and I have been a team since freshman year and that's going to continue"--Majdi a chance. He deserves your support. Let him please prove me wrong on all counts.
Joost Bosland is a Trinity sophomore. His column appears every third Thursday.
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