Sunday joyrides in a pink Corvette. Lazy weekends spent lounging in the Dream House. Unseen illicit rendezvous undoubtedly marked by the sweet union of rubbery, amorphous genital regions and the passionate embrace of arms that only bend three clicks at the elbow. All gone.
After 43 years of seemingly blithe coupledom of the non-matrimonial variety, the First Lady of the toy chest has kicked her plastic-haired prince to the curb. Barbie and Ken are no more.
With regards to this disheartening news, there is but one conclusion: Barbie is a heartless slut. Ken stuck around faithfully in good times (Malibu Barbie) and bad (Harley Davidson Barbie), and after a half-century she knees him in his nonexistent grapes. Typical.
Recess may be bitter, but that doesn't mean that we won't play Mattel matchmaker for the most recently single dolls on the market.
Ken should date:
Skipper--No way to make a girl more jealous than to go after her younger sister. And don't worry about statutory... she must be 56 by now.
Polly Pocket--We hear she's easy.
Betsy Wetsy--One you get past the whole incontinence thing, she's a lovely human being... and quite a cook.
Barbie should date:
Skeletor--Say what you will about his rough exterior or the fact that he's an evil, demonic skeleton-man.... he's a provider.
Stretch Armstrong--You know what they say about guys with ridiculously high arm-leg tensile strength, don't you?
G.I. Joe--It's time Barbie got some action from an action figure.
--David Walters
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