Masturbation? Fine by me!

The stigma that has been cruelly attached to the art of masturbation is both unwarranted and, more importantly, detrimental to the health and welfare of our great nation. Whereas you might associate masturbation with the filthy man who exposes himself to joggers in the Duke Forest, I instead cherish all the good that it has done for these United States of America. Masturbation keeps kids off the street, protecting them from drugs and gang violence while at the same time teaching them important professional skills such as computer science and internet technology. Masturbation stiffens the family unit, increasing levels of fidelity and reducing marital tension. Masturbation has fueled the thriving pornography industry, which has helped jerk the national economy out of its flaccid recession.

But despite all of these amazing benefits, there are still many firm opponents to this wondrous activity who would stroke their own ego by denouncing it as sick or perverted. For them I'll paint a picture: Imagine a freshman in high school. Socially awkward and low in self-esteem, he wanders the crowded hallways in silent anonymity. Macaroni stuck in his braces, glasses sliding on greasy, acne-ridden cheeks, second and third chins rubbing together like two baby walruses. His greatest fear is being noticed. Now when this young man returns to his bedroom, winded and sweating profusely from climbing the porch steps, he sits at his computer and gazes into the eyes of his desktop background diva. Whether the girl of his fancy might be Jenna Jameson or Janet Reno is really unimportant here. What matters is that for the first time that day he is truly happy. In this forum he is nobody's loser, nobody's butt of jokes. To the desktop background he is as handsome and charming as the captain of the football team. Would you deny that boy this redemption? That, my friends, would be sick and perverted.

But masturbation does more than merely massage the depressed psyches of the unfortunately unattractive. It can help athletes improve their hand-eye coordination. In a country where obesity has spread like the Blob, masturbation can serve as an alternative form of cardiovascular exercise. And most importantly it serves as a helping hand to spiritual well being by offering a few minutes each day to be alone, a time of personal reflection and individual expression. This in turn wilts stress and lubricates healthy social interaction. As Ace Ventura so wisely proclaimed, "If I don't finish my meditation, I tend to get a little... cranky."

For those who have only scratched the surface of this pleasurable pastime there is much to learn. There are various techniques and schools of thought concerning the best way to practice one's mantra. One strategy that has accumulated much street credibility involves sitting on the hand of choice for five to ten minutes, causing it to lose feeling, and thus seem to be someone else's hand. Wrapping the arm under the leg can achieve the same goal, though increasing the always dangerous potentiality of a cramp. Traditionalists argue that these new age methods molest the integrity of the activity and that only through consistency and discipline can one achieve maestro of masturbation status. These old school masturbation artists feel that the generation Y "hot shots" don't appreciate those who paved the way before them. The 50's pin up girls and 60's centerfolds were the building blocks of a porn industry that has truly brought masturbation to a new level, and without them we might all still be crouching guiltily in the corner of our showers, or wasting hours wearing nothing but a sock waiting to see a boob on the scrambled cable porn channel.